


That Which Is Lost By Not Trying

by Safaia



Series: Persevere and Get It Done [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Groundhog Day AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No beta we die like the Rogue One crew, Smut, Temporary Character Death, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23047399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Safaia/pseuds/Safaia
Summary: Jyn is forced to relive the Battle on Scarif over and over again until she gets it right. And maybe she falls in love with Cassian on the way.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso, Chirrut Îmwe/Baze Malbus
Series: Persevere and Get It Done [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589518
Comments: 117
Kudos: 185





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yep here we go with my next project. I have had this idea in my head since 2017 and I just never took the time to write it. I’m not sure anyone cares about Rogue One anymore but I need to get this story out of my head. I’m tweaking the timeline just a little in that there was a night on Yavin before they left to go to Scarif. I know a bunch of people have done the whole Groundhog Day thing but I don’t care. I want to do this fic. We’ll be running on an “every four days maximum” schedule most likely, unbetaed, and I have no idea how many chapters this will be. I'll be posting previews for each new chapter on my tumblr which is @safaiagem.

_There is no comparison between that which is lost by not succeeding and that which is lost by not trying. - Francis Bacon_

Jyn stumbled as she tried to help Cassian make the walk toward the shore. He was in pain, she could tell, but he didn't make a sound when she stumbled or when she gripped him too tightly. They both watched as the beam from the Death Star struck the planet and the force of the blast nearly knocked them both off of their feet. They had escaped this deadly space station once but there wouldn't be a second time. Now, all they could do was make it to the beach as they watched the wave of fire start to approach them. The plans got through, they had to, there wasn't any other option and she refused to think if they didn't. She refused to think that all of her new friends had died for nothing. 

They got to the beach and Jyn did her best to help Cassian to the ground but he stumbled and fell. She let her hand linger on his back as she stared out at the wave of fire and destruction. Cassian was breathing hard and Jyn thought she could see a little blood on his teeth. He fell and was probably bleeding internally. Even if a ship managed to save them she didn't think he had long. It took a second or two for Cassian to slow down his breathing and she could feel him looking at her. 

"Your father would be proud of you, Jyn," he said softly and all of the walls Jyn had built around her came crumbling down. She smiled at him but couldn't find the words to tell him how much that meant to her. She always considered herself a woman of action and this time action felt like the right way to go. Jyn couldn't find the words to tell him how close she felt to him in the short time they have known each other. She couldn't find the words to tell him that she wished they had more time to get to know each other. She couldn't find the words to tell him that if she had regrets it was refusing to let people know her or to know other people. She couldn't find those words so she pulled Cassian into her arms and held him. 

If it hurt Cassian didn't say though it probably didn't matter. The wave was approaching and they were going to die soon anyway. She felt him bury his face in her shoulder, her neck, and she could feel him relax in her arms. It was like the pressure of the rebellion and the war just faded away because it didn't really matter in these last moments. Cassian was looking away from the blast and hiding his face in her skin but Jyn refused to. This wave of destruction was her family legacy and she needed to meet it head-on. She needed to see it even as it blinded her. She held onto Cassian a little tighter and didn't let the tears fall. The plans got out, their mission was a success, and the Alliance would find a way to stop this thing. Her name, his name, all of their names would be lost to history but if the Death Star was stopped it was worth it. It had to be worth it. 

The wave approached and Jyn felt no more pain. 

+++

Jyn woke up in a panic and realized that she was alive which didn't make any sense. She remembered the wave from the blast hitting her and Cassian. She remembered the flash of pain and then nothing. So why was she in the tiny room the Alliance gave her to sleep in the night before the mission. Jyn touched her body and didn't feel any wounds. What happened? Did she go into a bacta tank? She didn't think she was worth a tank but they must have. There was no other explanation for why she didn't have wounds on her. 

Then she remembered Cassian in her arms, how hurt he was, and how they didn't actually know if the plans went through. Jyn threw the covered off of the bed and ran out the door. She was still in her sleep clothes but she didn't care. She needed to know if the mission was a success and she needed to know if Cassian was still alive. Jyn raced through the base until she got to the hanger and looked around. There seemed to be a lot of ships still which didn't make sense. She thought the Alliance had fought with them and lost ships. No one seemed to be in mourning or even working that hard. In fact, they all seemed rather subdued which didn't make any sense to her. If they had the plans then they should be going after the Death Star. If they didn't get the plans then they should be panicking. 

"Jyn Erso, what are you doing?" an all too familiar robotic voice asked her. Jyn turned around and stared at Kaytoo. He somehow looked the same as he did before the mission. The only explanation was that he must have had a backup somewhere and he got rebooted. 

"Kay, you're looking better," she said. "What happened to the plans? Where is Cassian?" 

"Jyn Erso, you're not making any sense," Kay said. 

"What do you mean? How can you act like nothing has happened? We went on the mission to get the plans, did they go through? Cassian was hurt and I want to know if he's okay," Jyn said. "I must have spent some time in a bacta tank since all my wounds are healed but Cassian was pretty bad off. Where is he?" Kay did not reply; instead, he just stood there and didn't move. If she tried to move he would stand in front of her and try to stop her. She thought they were beyond this. She thought they had changed now that the mission was done but it appeared not. Jyn was about to threaten to put her foot in his face when someone came running into the room. 

It was Cassian and he was fine. His hair was a mess like had just rolled out of bed. His clothes looked like sleep clothes but he was wearing his brown jacket over them and his boots were untied. Jyn only just realized that she wasn't wearing shoes at all and her shorts and tank top weren't exactly the ideal thing to be running around a base in. Her heart stuttered as she looked at him and realized that he was okay. Maybe she'd been out longer than she thought. 

"Cassian, good, you are here. Jyn Erso appears confused," Kay said. 

"Cassian, you're okay," she said as she walked toward him. She wanted to hug him but he was holding himself strangely. Maybe he was still hurting. "What happened to the plans?" 

"The plans," Cassian said as he looked at her. "The plans are on Scarif, Jyn." 

"I know. We went to get them and now we're back here. Someone must have saved us at the last minute. Did they go through or not?" she asked and Jyn could not understand why no one was telling her what happened to the plans. She knew she wasn't Alliance but she went to Scarif. That had to be enough. 

"Jyn, we haven't gone to Scarif yet," Cassian said slowly like he was talking to a mad person. He nodded over her shoulder and she was about to scold him for being an asshole and lying to her when she looked. Rogue One was still sitting in the landing bay and didn't appear to have a scratch on it. That didn't make any sense. She could have sworn someone said the ship blew up. She could have sworn that the ship was gone so how was it just sitting there like nothing had happened. Jyn nearly jumped out of her own skin when Cassian placed his hands on her upper arms. She turned and stared at him. He was a spy, a liar, but he looked so earnest and worried at that moment. He wasn't lying. "Jyn, I think you had a nightmare. About the mission. I've had flashbacks before and they seemed very real. I've been where you're standing right now thinking something had just happened when it hadn't but we haven't left yet. We haven't gone to Scarif to get the Death Star plans. We leave in about ten hours." 

"Perhaps she has suffered a head injury and we should leave her here," Kay said. Cassian said something to Kay in a language she didn't understand and she couldn't handle this. A dream? There was no possible way that was a dream. It felt so real. The pain she felt when she twisted her knee felt real. The jolt of fear when she thought she was going to fall felt real. Cassian in her arms as he bled out and they burned alive felt so real. 

Jyn jerked away from Cassian and raced back to her room. She didn't want him to follow her, it was the last thing she wanted because she wasn't sure what she was going to do if they were alone. Jyn thought about the last moments on the beach when she thought about her regrets with him and how she wished she had the time to get to know him better. If she had the time then who knows what she would do. Jyn hugged her legs to her chest and rested her chin against her knees. She could hear someone talking just outside of the door but they didn't try to come in. Jyn knew she should go get food, try to sleep some more because they had a mission to do but she didn't want to. She just wanted to sit. 

Cassian commed her when it was time to leave and Jyn got dressed quickly. She met up with Cassian in the hanger and the two of them walked toward the ship. It was exactly like her dream and Jyn didn't quite know what to do with that. It was a dream, it had to be a dream, there wasn't any other explanation. 

When she got into the ship she repeated the same words from the dream. When they tried to take off Bodhi gave the same callsign and by now Jyn was trying to hide the way she was panicking. There wasn't a lot of free space in the ship but she needed some time alone and a storage closet would do. It felt weak to hug her legs to her chest and rest her chin on her knees but all of this was really starting to get to her in a way that she couldn't quite explain. She hoped everyone would leave her alone but the door opened not long after she settled down to panic and it was Cassian. He looked down at her, stepped into the storage closet, and let the door close behind him. There wasn't much room so their shoulders and hips were touching when he sat down with her. 

"It was a dream," Jyn said when it became obvious that Cassian wasn't going to tell her what was going on. "It was a dream so why is everything happening the way I saw it?" 

"I'm not a believer the way that Chirrut is but there are some things in the universe that can't be explained," Cassian said. "You asked me if the plans went through you're telling me you saw us get them. You also asked me if I was hurt and were looking at yourself like you were expecting us to be hurt. We got hurt in your dream?" 

"No," Jyn said. "We didn't just get hurt. We died. We both died." 

"And knowing that it could happen in your dream do you want to turn back? Do you want to stop?" he asked. 

"No," Jyn said without hesitation. "This mission needs to happen and I won't walk away from it." 

"Then it was just a dream," Cassian said with a shrug. "We'll get to Scarif and do our best to make it a reality no matter what the cost. We both knew there was a very good chance that we wouldn't come back from this." Jyn nodded and she thought about regrets and how she had a few when it came to Cassian. He sat with her in that closet even though it was far too small for him and didn't seem bothered by it. 

"I wanted to apologize," Jyn said. "For what I said on Eadu. You aren't a stormtrooper and you tried to save my father. You saved me because I wasn't going to leave him." 

"I've done things that I'm not proud of for the cause," Cassian said carefully. "But I don't have any regrets when it comes to you. I'm glad I went back for you on Jedha and I'm glad I went back on Eadu." He glanced at her and offered a small smile. "There's nothing to forgive." Cassian went to push himself to his feet but Jyn reached out and took his hand. 

"Stay, just for a little longer, and then we can leave together," she said. 

"The men are going to think we were having one last go in here," Cassian said but he settled back down without hesitating. Jyn flushed red but laughed. 

"I told you Cassian; we're going to die. So what does it matter what they think?" she said. Cassian smiled and let his head rest against the wall. He closed his eyes but didn't release her hand. Jyn held onto him until she was ready to go out there and face everything again. 

They got through the shield and onto the ground the same way they did the last time. Jyn wasn't focused but a nod from Cassian and they were going into the base. It was all the same and sometimes she even felt like she was walking in the same place at the exact same time. It all happened again; all the good and all of the bad. This time she saw the look of devastation on Cassian's face when Kay decided to stay behind so they could get away. This time she saw the blaster bolt that made him lose his grip and she screamed his name as he fell. He was there again at the dish killing Krennic for her just like she knew he would be. Cassian leaned into her but this time he didn't ask if she thought anyone was listening because he already knew. He knew because she told him. 

This time Jyn let herself stand a little closer to Cassian as they went back down to the ground. This time she reached forward and brushed some of his dark hair from his eyes and he even smiled at her a little. They stumbled as they walked to the beach and Jyn watched as the wave once again approached. Cassian told her that her father would be proud of her and Jyn thought about regrets. She thought about how she wished she had more time in her dream and she wasn't going to let this reality be any different. So instead of letting Cassian take her hand she leaned forward and kissed him. 

"I had regrets in my dream," Jyn whispered as she remained close to him. "I didn't want them in real life." Cassian's hand was shaking when he reached up and touched her cheek. He was dying and even with the wave of death coming for them he was so weak. Jyn shifted her weight and helped Cassian lie down in the sand on the beach. He winced and she could see blood staining his clothes from the blaster bolt that nearly killed him. Jyn was careful not to put any of her weight on his broken body but she needed to be closer. She needed to feel him beneath her the same way she needed him to hold onto her in the dream. 

Jyn winced as she moved to straddle his lips as her knee screamed at her. Cassian's hands came out and settled on her hips to steady her and then just didn't leave. It hurt but she leaned forward so they were nearly touching and rested most of her weight on her arms. 

"Thank you for being here with me," Jyn whispered. 

"Thank you for trusting me enough to come with you," Cassian replied. She wasn't sure what else there was to say and the wave was getting closer. They didn't have a lot of time and she wanted to kiss him again. This time the kiss wasn't soft or chase; this time she wanted to taste him. There was blood on his teeth and on his tongue but Jyn tried to ignore it to focus on how he felt against her. They both winced whenever they moved their broken bodies in a way that didn't agree with them but Cassian didn't seem to care. He pulled her closer and Jyn had no choice but to rest some of her weight on him. If he didn't care she didn't see why she should. They were both about to die so what did it matter. 

His hair was maddening and Jyn had to get her fingers in it. It was dirty, a little greasy, and soaked with sweat and she loved having it in her fingers. Cassian reached up and pulled her own hair from the pun and Jyn felt wild as she lay there on the beach, the wind in her hair, as a wave of death raced at them. Unlike the dream where she watched the wave approach this time she didn't. She'd been looking down her whole life but this time she wanted to look down at someone. Jyn wanted to be close to another human being in her final moments. She rolled her hips against Cassian's, he bit down on her lower lip, and they were still kissing when the wave approached. 

+++

Jyn woke up and realized that she was once again in the same room on Yavin. She was in the same clothes as she was the night before they went to Scarif. She didn't panic this time; this time she stood up and silently made her way through the base until she got to the hanger and she could see outside. Rogue One was still sitting there, waiting for her crew, and Jyn realized that the world was so much more strange than she ever could have predicted. She touched the crystal around her neck and wandered back to her room without meeting Kay or anyone else in the hallways. She went back to her room, sat down on her bed, and panicked silently. 

"Okay," Jyn said out loud because she needed to voice this insanity if she was ever going to make sense of it. "I could be dead and this is me suffering in the afterlife for my misdeeds. There were plenty of them and it wouldn't be that far off." The room didn't hold any answers for her and she held into the crystal hoping that it could give some sort of signal. "Or, I'm being made to relive the mission for some reason. Something is making me go back to Scarif again and again." For the first time in a long time, the voice of her mother echoed in her mind. 'Trust the Force,' her mother said right before she threw herself in front of a blaster bolt. There was something in the world, she saw it when she watched Chirrut fight, but could that be the Force? Could the Force be the thing that was making her relive one of the worst days of her life? 

Jyn settled down on the bed, closed her eyes, and waited for the comm from Cassian that she knew was coming. She did things differently the second time around, she kissed Cassian, and got to have him for only a brief few moments. They were still on the beach and the wave still came but she changed it just a little. If she was being forced to relive this day maybe she could change it. Maybe she could save Cassian. 

Maybe, Jyn thought, she could save them all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for another chapter and this time we bring on the smut. Thank you so much for all of the comments on the first chapter! I'm so glad there are still people interested in this pairing and this fandom. I mean they should be since Rogue One is the best Star Wars movie don't @ me. Please follow me on tumblr (@safaiagem) to see chapter previews. Your comments, likes, kudos, and reblogs mean the actual world to me.

Jyn sat in her room and thought about the many things she would need to change to make this work. They had to make sure the plans go through but also wanted to save as many lives as possible. That included her own and Cassian's at the end. She thought about telling Cassian what she knew and that she was repeating the day but decided against it. He didn't seem that put off by her the previous try but if she was actively trying to change things that could make the mission fail Cassian might not be okay with that. So this was something she was going to have to do on her own which was fine. That was something she could absolutely handle. Maybe. 

So Jyn decided that the best idea would be to start small and that meant preventing Cassian from falling in the tower. The idea of watching him hit those poles over and over again was enough to turn her stomach. If she could prevent him from falling then he would be stronger for when she figured out how to get them a ship. If she let him fall Cassian might not make it back to Yavin even if she got ahold of a ship and got them off of the planet. So first things first; she needed to make sure that Cassian didn't fall. 

The comm came and Jyn got dressed and walked out of her room like she didn't know how all of this was going to end. She gave the same speeches and put on the same clothes. She made sure that she was doing everything the same, for now, until she could figure out how to save everyone. This was going to be a process and one that was going to require perfecting. She could handle that. Jyn was sure she could handle that.

Or at least she was pretty sure she could handle it as she watched Cassian's devastated face when Kay stayed behind for them. He loved that droid and she needed to make sure that she found a way to save him too. Now it was time to make a significant change for the better. Now it was time to keep Cassian from falling and breaking half of the bones in his body. Jyn got the plans and began to make her way up.

"Watch out," she called as they began to return fire to Krennic and the Death Troopers. Jyn knew that now was the time and she needed to help him. "Cassian, move!" He did move but not in the right place. He was in a different position and this time Jyn had to watch as the blaster bolt went directly into his stomach instead of merely grazing him. She had to watch in horror as Cassian fell again only this time he wasn't going to get up. It was a miracle he was able to get there the first time but with a blaster bolt to the gut, he wouldn't stand a chance. Jyn tried to make it better and she somehow made it worse. She was alone now as he lay bleeding out on the maintenance platform below her. 

Jyn pushed herself to climb faster as she made her way to the dish and she was so mad she was nearly seeing red. It wasn't good to let her anger get the better of her but this time there wasn't going to be anyone pulling her back when Krennic arrived. Jyn raced across the platform but instead of trying to transmit the plans she went and realigned the dish right away. This time no one fired on her and the platform didn't fall. She had her blaster in one hand and the plans in the other as she began the transmission. Jyn had just hit the button when the elevator doors open and Krennic walked out. 

"Drop it," Jyn snapped. He looked surprised to see her but did what she said. "Do you know who I am?" 

"Should I?" Krennic asked and he had the nerve to sound bored. There wasn't anyone to stop her from giving in to her worst instincts so she shot him in the knee. Krennic screamed as he fell down and Jyn looked down at him. 

"That was for my mother, Lyra Erso," Jyn said and realization dawned on him. He had his hands up like he had the right to surrender, and Jyn did not care. She shot him in the other knee. "That was for my father, Galen Erso." There was blood on Krennic's white outfit but not nearly as much red as Jyn was still seeing. All she could think about was her parent's bodies, the way that Cassian fell, and she hated this man with everything she had. She shot him in the shoulder. "That was for Saw Gerrera and my friends," she said and then Jyn shot him in the other shoulder. "That was for Cassian Andor." Krennic was covered in red and he was screaming and crying in pain as he looked up at her. She pointed the blaster at his head and she couldn't understand the words that he was saying but they didn't matter. He didn't matter. "My name is Jyn Erso and this is for me," and she shot him between the eyes. 

Jyn stood over Krennic's body and stared down at him. She didn't feel anything. She thought after all of these years she would feel something once she killed the man that took everything from her but she didn't. She felt nothing and Jyn realized that Cassian was right to hold her back the way he did. This didn't benefit her in any way. She had blood on her hands now that should feel good and didn't. It made things so much worse and Jyn hated that Cassian wasn't here with her right now.

She wanted to toss her blaster aside but Jyn kept it in hand in case she needed it. She went down to a floor that she thought was close to the one where Cassian was and the door opened to reveal the massive citadel. Cassian was lying on the platform and she didn't really want to jump to it. There was a panel nearby and she hit it. A walkway opened and she limped across. The platform hurt her knees in a way that the soft sand didn't and she wished she was near the beach with him instead of here. Jyn didn't want to know if Cassian was alive or dead but she needed to know. 

When she felt for his pulse she found a very close one and Cassian slowly opened his eyes. He was covered in his own blood and she could see that it was dripping through the tiny holes of the platform. His skin was ashen and it looked like he was having a hard time focusing. She wanted to get him to the beach but not like this. Jyn knew he didn't have long now and they would never make it to the beach. She took Cassian's hand in hers and leaned over so he could see her. 

"Jyn," he whispered and it sounded like it hurt for him to speak. "Did we get the plans?" 

"Yes," she said since there was no point in telling a dying man that the mission he was about to die for might not have succeeded. Cassian deserved better than that and she was going to give it to him. "They got the plans." 

"Then you need to get out," he said. "Please, you need to--"

"I'm not leaving you," Jyn replied and when Cassian opened his mouth to argue she shook her head. "We either do this together or not at all." 

"They're going to come for you," Cassian said but she wasn't going to hear this. 

"Together or not at all," Jyn repeated. He was blinking more and she could feel how weak his hand was in hers but she refused to let go. She refused to let him die alone. There was a sound from above her and Jyn looked up. It sounded like someone was trying to find something but they didn't see the two of them yet. They still had time. She looked back down and realized that Cassian wasn't breathing anymore. "Cassian?" Jyn said and she shook him a little. She had only looked away fro a second, only a second, and in the moments she looked away Cassian died. He died and she wasn't even looking at him. This wasn't fair. She had tried to keep him from falling and she made it worse. Now she was alone and there wasn't anyone with her. 

One second Jyn was sitting there, trying to wake Cassian up even though she knew he was gone, and everything went white. 

+++

Jyn sat up in her room with a scream at her throat. She remembered that the Death Star blast had taken off the entire top of the citadel and that must have been what killed her. Jyn's heart was pounding and she needed to see Cassian alive. The last couple of times she did this they died together but this time he died before her. Was that going to change things? She didn't know and she needed to see him. Jyn sliced into Alliance records and found the room that Cassian was staying in. It didn't take long and she needed to see him. 

She didn't bother to put on clothes or even shoes; she opened the door and raced through the base. It was the middle of the night so no one saw her but she still needed to see him. Jyn found his door and pounded on the metal with her fists. He needed to be okay, she needed to see him alive and well, or Jyn didn't know what she was going to do. She was trying to keep him from getting hurt and somehow she made it worse. Is that what happened when she tried to change things? Did she make it worse?

The door opened and revealed a disheveled Cassian. He wore dark blue sleep pants that looked soft and worn and a black t-shirt that had a few holes in it. His hair was sticking up everywhere and Jyn thought she saw a pillow crease on his face. He blinked and stared at her like he didn't understand why she was standing in front of his room and frantically slamming on his door. 

"Jyn? What are you doing here?" he asked and she realized that unless she was planning on telling him what was going on, which she wasn't, then she didn't have a good reason to be standing here. Then she remembered the first time this happened and how he told her about his flashbacks. How it had happened to him before and he understood. She felt bad about using information that he gave her on a different day against him but right now Jyn didn't care. She just needed to be near him in some capacity to know that he was alive. 

"Flashbacks," Jyn said. "I had a bad flashback and I ended up here." He looked a little sad as he nodded and opened the door to let her in. Jyn walked into the room and took in the sparse nature of it. If it wasn't for the boots on the floor and the unmade bed she never would have thought someone lived here. Cassian walked over to his closet and pulled out a long-sleeve button-down shirt and handed it to her. Jyn took it and realized that she wasn't exactly dressed to be in the room of a man that didn't know her that well. 

"I understand," he said. "Please, have a seat anywhere." Jyn didn't want to sit on the bed, that felt weird, so she sat down on the cool floor with her back against his bed. Cassian was digging underneath his bed and pulled out a bottle of something and two glasses. 

"I'm not even sure what this shit is but it gets you drunk enough to forget which I can only assume is what you want," he said. Jyn wanted to tell him that she couldn't forget because all of the details were important but she couldn't tell him. Not yet so she nodded and accepted the glass. 

"If you don't know what it is then why is a fourth of the bottle missing?" Jyn asked as he opened the bottle and an extremely strong scent filled the room. 

"I'm not saying I stole it from pirates," Cassian said with a smirk as he settled on the floor next to her. "But let's just say there were pirates involved at one point." He filled up two of the glasses and held his out for her to toast. "To forgetting." 

"To forgetting," Jyn replied and she clinked the glass against his. She couldn't the visceral reaction she had to the alcohol and when she glanced at Cassian he was making a face too. "Saw used to brew some terrible shit but I'm pretty sure even Saw's shit wasn't this bad. Can't a Captain afford better?" Cassian huffed a laugh and refilled her glass. 

"Not in this rebellion," he said and that sounded a little sad. His sleep clothes did little to hide just how lean he was and Jyn wondered how many meals he had missed over the years. 

"We're going on a suicide mission so we're getting drunk," Jyn said as she looked at her glass. "It's like something out of a bad holonovel." 

"To cliche?" Cassian said holding up his glass and she toasted to that. The liquor wasn't any better the second time around but the burning combined with her empty stomach was already contributing to how drunk she was starting to feel. 

Jyn didn't remember what the third, fourth, or fifth toast was but by then she and Cassian were lying on their backs on the floor and he was telling a story about a mission gone bad in the most hilarious way. Jyn could feel the heat coming off of him and their arms were touching and she was becoming more and more aware of the scent coming off of his jacket. 

"And Kay just insulted the guy right to his face," Cassian said and he was laughing a little. "One of the biggest pirates in the galaxy and Kay calls him an idiot. We had to turn tail and run the hell out of there or they were going to shoot us out of the airlock." They were both laughing and Jyn felt so calm and loose. "We nearly finished the bottle," Cassian said of the bottle that was sitting next to him on the floor that was nearly gone. They had drunk almost the entire thing and that explained why she was so out of it. Cassian looked over and picked up the bottle from the floor and there only appeared to be a mouthful or so left. 

"I want the rest of that," Jyn said. 

"I think you've had enough," Cassian replied which was the wrong thing to say because if there was ever a way to make Jyn Erso want something it was to deny it to her. She tried to snatch the bottle from his hands but Cassian was a little too fast for her. Jyn wasn't sure how it happened but they started wrestling for the bottle on the floor like the children neither of them ever got to me. She wasn't sure how she ended up straddling his waist but here she was and she had the bottle in hand. 

"I told you I wanted the rest," Jyn said and she tipped her head back to drink the rest of the booze. She closed her eyes and it was enough to throw her balance off but two warm hands were on her hips and steadied her. Jyn finished the bottle and looked down at Cassian. He didn't remove his hands from her hips and she could feel his thumb touch the space between her tank top and her shorts. She set the bottle aside and looked into his brown eyes that looked a little glassy from the booze but his pupils were blown wide. She thought about the times she kissed him on the beach before they died and it was enough of a reminder that this was something she wanted when Cassian wasn't bleeding out. 

Jyn leaned down and kissed Cassian without a second of hesitation. She didn't hold back as she opened her mouth and tasted the booze on his tongue. It tasted terrible still but it made her moan as Cassian wrapped his arms around her to keep her close. Jyn slipped her fingers into his frankly maddening hair and rolled her hips. The thin pajama bottoms were doing little to hide the fact that he was getting hard beneath her despite the mass amount of booze that they both drank. Cassian shifted and began to sit up and pulled Jyn firmly into his lap. She needed to breathe but Cassian moved from her lips to latch onto her pulse point to suck a bruise into her skin that was going to be impossible to hide. 

"If we're doing this we're not fucking on the floor," Jyn said breathlessly and she could feel Cassian laughing against her. 

"Here's to cliche I supposed," he said as he bit down on her shoulder. Jyn wanted to feel skin underneath her hands and scrambled to her feet and yanked Cassian to his. She could admit she was a little desperate as she pulled his shirt and ran her hands along the scars that lined his torso. Cassian all but ripped his shirt off her and pulled her tank top off. Jyn had to kiss him again and she did let him walk her to the small cot in his room. She couldn't remember the last time she felt comfortable enough with a man to let him be on top but Cassian was different. There had always been something different about him that she wasn't able to put into words. So she laid down and pulled Cassian down with her. 

He trailed a hand down her stomach, lingered a bit on her scars, and then slipped his hand down her shorts and touched her. Jyn had to break their kiss to gasp because no man who was as drunk as Cassian should be that talented with his fingers. Every single time he touched her, slipped a finger into her, it felt like getting hit with a stun baton. She was drunk and usually, that meant she could come at all but Cassian clearly had magic fingers because it felt like she was falling over the edge almost right away. 

"You need to fuck me," Jyn said as she tried to control her breathing. From there they were both a little frantic as they removed the last of their clothes and Cassian kissed her as he pushed inside of her. Jyn didn't have a ton of experience but even drunk this was the best sex she had ever had by far. There was no way anything could ever top this as Cassian seemed to hit that spot every single time he pushed inside. He by far the most generous lover she had had ever been with and reached down to touch her as she came a second time. Cassian followed not far behind and Jyn had to watch as he fell over the edge. He was beautiful. 

Jyn wasn't sure how long they stayed together exchanging slow but sloppy kisses as the sweat cooled on their bodies. Eventually, Jyn got up to use the private fresher in his room and Cassian took that time to pull his pajama pants back on but not a shirt. Jyn picked up the shirt that Cassian let her borrow and smirked at him as she pulled it and only it on. He gave her a look but didn't fight as she pushed him down and climbed on top of him again. They were both too drunk to go again but it still felt good to be on top of him like this. 

"So is that what you do for all of your subordinates when they come to you with flashbacks?" Jyn asked as she traced a scar on his chest.

"Not even close," Cassian replied as he watched her carefully. "Most people don't come to me for help." Jyn ran her hands along his body until she took her hands in his and pinned them to the bed. She was amazed that he let her go that. They were both sobering up and Jyn didn't know what to say to that so she didn't say anything. They settled down in his bed to get a few hours of sleep before going on the mission. 

Jyn tried, she tried to stop him from falling again, and she failed. This time the blaster bolt went directly through Cassian's heart and when he fell she knew he was already dead. She sent the plans but didn't get revenge on Krennic. She knocked him out and left him there to get destroyed by his own weapon. When she got to Cassian's body he wasn't even warm anymore. Jyn settled down next to his still body and closed her eyes. The blast would come and then she would try again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for another chapter! This one has it all! Smut! Graphic violence! Angst! We're bringing it all this time. And I'm getting this impression that this fic is going to be a little shorter than I thought? I'm not really sure, I'm just winging it. I hope everyone stays safe and healthy as they can <3

Jyn woke up from another failure and realized that she needed to go about this a different way. It wasn't just about keeping Cassian from falling but also about saving everyone else. That didn't mean that the failure didn't sit on her skin like oil and she needed to wash it away. This time she was a lot calmer by the time she made it Cassian's room. He still opened the door for her, gave her his terrible booze, and let her pin him down on the floor and fuck his brain outs. It was what she needed even if she felt a little distant as she did so. Cassian seemed to notice that she didn't want to talk and didn't say anything to her. When Jyn got up and left his room instead of spending the night, he just let her without saying a word. 

So she began a pattern of repeating the days and figuring out how everyone died. It meant that she had to keep in contact with everyone a lot more than she did the other times they did this mission. She heard about Rogue One exploding around her twentieth time through and Bodhi being inside when it happened. She heard about how Chirrut opened the channel they needed and died doing so. She heard about Baze standing tall as he took on several Death Troopers at once and died in an explosion. Jyn sat in her room, her body pleasantly aching from Cassian, and laid it all out. 

Cassian wasn't as welcoming to her when she got to Rogue One the fortieth time she'd tried this mission. Jyn thought about it and realized that she had barely said a word to him when she walked into his room. She silently drank his booze, barely kissed him, took what she wanted him from, and left. From the outside, she looked like the worst possible person in the world but Jyn tried not to think about it. There was time to get Cassian to forgive her once she saved his life. He didn't smile at her when they got through the shield gate and he hardly looked at her throughout the entire mission. He still saved her but he waved her off when she tried to help him to the beach. 

When Cassian didn't tell her that her father would be proud or took her hand Jyn realized that she had made a terrible mistake. It hasn't dawned on her that she could make things even worse and as the wave approached she realized that this wasn't the Cassian she wanted to save. She wanted to save the one that held her at the end of the world. She wanted the one who laughed when they were drinking together and kissed her like she meant something. 

"I'm sorry," Jyn said as the wave approached. "I didn't mean to use you like I did." 

"The mission is done," Cassian said as he watched the wave approach for the first time. "That's all that matters in the end." It wasn't but now wasn't the time to try and change that. She wanted to tell him that the mission repeating was beginning to get to her in a way that was hard to put into words. The wave was coming so it wasn't like anyone was going to make any difference. 

"I'm glad you're here with me in the end," Jyn said and for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, Cassian turned and looked at her. He still wore that blank spy mask but she could see something in his dark eyes that made her feel a little better. Maybe there was still some hope even if she messed this up so badly that she couldn't even quantify it. He didn't look away from her and the wave approached them as they sat on that beach, without touching, and without saying another word to each other. 

+++

Jyn sat up and walked over to Cassian's room only this time she was running. She was running because she made a mistake and it was time to fix it. He opened the door and let her in. This time she didn't let them finish the entire bottle of the terrible booze so they were sloppy drunk. This time they were both pleasantly buzzed when she climbed into his lap and kissed him like she was a dying woman. It was a slower and softer kiss than she was used to and Jyn found that she liked kissing him like this. She liked the feeling of his body pressed against hers without the desperation that too much booze brought on. Jyn broke the kiss but remained close to him. 

Cassian blinked as he looked at her but he didn't say anything. He stayed just as close and didn't try to move things along in any way. Jyn was a little surprised at how much she was enjoying just having him close to her like this. She couldn't remember the last time she enjoyed being with a man when sex wasn't involved.

She wanted sex involved though, she wanted him, and Jyn leaned forward and kissed Cassian again. Unlike previous times when they were frantically trying to pull off each other's clothes, they spent some time sitting on the floor of his room kissing each other. Jyn ran her fingers through his hair and felt him gasp against her mouth when she pulled it a little. Cassian kiss along her jaw and found the sensitive place behind her ear that made Jyn moan and roll her hips. They hardly stopped kissing each other as they stood up and she pulled Cassian onto his bed. They were both still fully clothed but she was more than content to kiss the air from his lungs. 

Unlike previous times Cassian seemed content to explore her body in a way a lover hadn't in a very long time. He pulled her clothes off and seemed to enjoy each new piece of skin that he saw. It was a stark reminder for Jyn that while she was remembering each time they were together Cassian wasn't. This was something new that he was exploring every single time she came to his room. So despite how much she wanted to hurry him along Jyn laid back and let Cassian spend far too long kissing her breasts. She let him pull off her sleep shorts and kiss along her thighs. He looked up and smirked at her and Jyn nearly keened when Cassian put his mouth on her. 

Jyn already knew that he had talented fingers and she should have expected that a spy would have a talented tongue but this was something else altogether. She didn't even know that this could feel this good and Jyn was having a hard time forming coherent thoughts. She held onto his head and had to bite down on one of her knuckles to keep from screaming so loud that the entire base knew what they were doing. Cassian slipped two fingers into her and the stretch and his tongue were enough that she saw stars. Jyn arched off of the bed as she came and for half a moment she thought she blacked out. 

"Fucking hell you're good at that," she managed to say and Cassian chuckled as he kissed up her body. 

"So glad you approve," he replied and kissed her lips. Jyn could taste herself on him but she didn't care, how could anyone possibly care after that? Cassian just gave her one of the best orgasms of her entire life so why would she care that she could taste herself on his lips. That was enough to make her moan again and she helped him out of his clothes. They went slower this time, took their time with each other, and it was so nice. They were both still a little drunk and sometimes they would do something that would make the other laugh but it felt light. This entire experience was a bunch of firsts for her; she didn't know that she could laugh during sex. She didn't know it could be fun and pleasurable at the same time. 

Jyn dug her nails into his shoulders hard enough to draw blood when she came a second time and Cassian followed not long after. He didn't ask her to leave and Jyn didn't want to. She just wanted to stay here and try not to think about how she wanted to save all of them. She didn't want to think about Cassian falling yet again and holding his broken body against her. It felt wrong to indulge like this even as Cassian leaned in for another kiss and they spent the next hour leisurely making out like teenagers. She knew Cassian didn't have much of a childhood, he said as much when he told her he'd been in this fight since he was six, but maybe there was more to it than that. She thought about Kay and how close he was to the droid. They needed Kay in the position he was. He saved them but maybe there was a way to save him. 

"I've never met someone whose best friend was a droid," Jyn said and she made sure there was a teasing element to what she said even if she was fishing for more information. 

"Yeah, well, people don't trust spies so they aren't usually friends with them either," Cassian replied as he settled down in the bed. They were still wrapped up in each other but neither of them was making any move to put clothes back on. 

"He must follow you into a lot of dangerous places then," she said and Cassian hummed in agreement. "Have you lost him before?" Cassian frowned and looked up at the ceiling. 

"No but we came very close sometimes," he said.

"This is a suicide mission, does he have a backup?" Jyn asked because this was a way to solve one of the problems. If there was a backup for Kay back at the base then they could just bring him back once she saved everyone else.

"No, I'll ask him if he wants to leave one behind," Cassian said and she was struck by the fact that he wouldn't force Kay to leave a backup if he didn't want to. He truly respected the droid as if he was a real person in a way that Jyn hadn't seen before. There were so many things about Cassian that continued to surprise her. The knowledge that they needed to get clean was beginning to become more apparent but she didn't want to go alone. She wanted to spend more time with him. 

"Do you have a private fresher?" Jyn asked and when Cassian turned to look at her she smirked. She pulled him into the fresher and loved the feeling of him pressing her against the cool walls. They were there to get clean but when Cassian began to suck another mark into the sensitive skin of her neck she knew that they were going to be in here for a while. Between her bracing her hands against the walls and Cassian's strength he was able to fuck her against the wall and just when Jyn thought she knew everything there was to know about this man in bed he continued to surprise her. Yavin was a jungle planet so she didn't feel too bad about the mass amount of water that they just wasted. 

That night Jyn slept better than she had any of the other nights that she had spent with him and when she saw Cassian taking Kay aside she felt like she had changed something for the first time. Maybe she could do this. Maybe she could keep all of them safe and maybe there was a way to keep all of them from dying. Maybe she could do this. 

+++

Bodhi was a death that she needed to solve right away. Not only was he an important person to save but he also the only person that could get them off of the planet. Rogue One as a ship needed to be saved and that meant getting more information. She heard about him dragging the cord into the ship amongst blaster fire to establish a connection. She heard from someone nearby about the grenade that ended his life and destroyed the ship. So it was time to figure out a way to keep the stormtroopers from getting anything into the ship that could destroy it. 

"Bodhi, I'm worried about you and the ship once the fighting starts," Jyn said as they piloted to Scarif. 

"What do you mean?" he asked. 

"Well, if they get any indication that we're not who we say we are they might destroy the ship and you could be in it when it happens," she explained and she did her best to keep her voice calm so he couldn't tell that she knew this to be a fact. 

"It's protocol to keep the ship doors open," he said. "Closing them might attract more attention but maybe I could lie. I could tell them that I thought I saw rebels and that I wanted to make sure that the ship stayed safe. Maybe if I told them that I was protecting the ship from rebels they wouldn't think much of it." 

"We need you to get us off of the planet safely," Jyn said as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "The last thing I want is the ship to go up in flames with you in it. I think closing the doors is the best thing to do once the fighting starts." 

The fighting started and Bodhi told her that he was closing the doors. She could hear him talking to people and telling them about how he thought he saw rebels and he didn't want them taking any resources from the Empire. He sounded frantic, afraid, and she believed him. 

"I need to reopen the doors to connect this cable," Bodhi said and Jyn knew that was a bad idea because this was the moment where he died. 

"No," Jyn said. "Go down through the hatch that everyone snuck out of. That is the best way to get back outside without risking the entire ship." Cassian was looking at her oddly like he didn't quite believe what was going on but he didn't question it. Not this time. Bodhi agreed and managed to make the connection and for the first time the ship did not explode and Bodhi did not die when he was supposed to. Jyn was overjoyed, she felt like she made progress for the first time, but that didn't mean she won. 

Something went wrong. Maybe it was because they were moving just a little slower but this time Cassian was in a different place while they climbed but he took a blaster to the back. It wouldn't kill him but Jyn knew that he wasn't going to walk again and the way he fell somehow looked worse. She sent the plans, it was fine, but Cassian looked like he was dying when she went back to him. 

"I can't feel my legs," Cassian said as he coughed up blood. He was bleeding internally and it didn't matter that Bodhi might be alive still because he was dying. He wasn't going to make it. She helped drag him to the elevator and hit the emergency stop halfway down so they would be alone. 

"I'm here," she whispered. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." 

"Jyn, you need to go," he said but she wasn't going to leave him. She heard the Death Star take off half of the citadel but it didn't hit them this time. She didn't know when the blast was coming but she could hear Bodhi in her comms. He was alive and he was getting away from the planet. She had saved one person and if she didn't wake up the next day then that would be enough. That would be good enough for her.

Cassian died in her arms moments before the blast hit. 

+++

From there Jyn knew she needed to find a way to save Chirrut and Baze. They wouldn't leave each other's side and if she kept them away from the control panel then maybe she could save them. So she told them to stay closer to Rogue One and said that they needed to make sure that Bodhi was safe. If there was a chance that they were going to get off-planet it lay with Bodhi and that meant keeping him and the ship alive. Chirrut looked at her like he knew what was going on but didn't say anything.

This time she went with Cassian and Kay to hit the switch. No one stopped them but it did slow them down considerably. That must have been the thing that went wrong because one moment they were okay and the next a group of stormtroopers were attacking them. Jyn fought, with everything she had, but there were too many of them. A trooper aimed Cassian and she watched as Kay shielded him with his body. The look on Cassian's face as Kay fell to the ground was something Jyn didn't want to see ever again.

"Kay?" Cassian said softly but the light in the eyes of the robot went out before he could say anything. Cassian began to fight the troopers with a rage she hadn't ever seen him before but the rage wasn't enough. The troopers overwhelmed them and began to drag them to the control room where Krennic was waiting. 

"Well, well, what do we have here," he said as he looked the two of them over. He was smiling like he knew he won and Jyn knew that he did. This time was different because they were failing and this was the first time she had failed. Was that going to be the thing that ended the cycle? Her failure? She was panicking even as Cassian stood there and didn't show a single emotion save for the rage in his dark eyes. Krennic scanned their faces and smirked as he looked over the information. 

"An escaped convict, not very interesting," he said as he looked over her. "But you, you're more interesting. You're in our database as a member of the Empire but you seem to move around and get lost in the system a lot. Kind of like you fall in and out loyalty." Krennic looked at Cassian like he was the best thing he had ever seen. "A spy and spies always know so much." 

"I'm not telling you shit," Cassian said as he spat on the floor before Krennic. He said something else, it sounded like swear words, in a language that Jyn didn't know. She wanted to tell him to stop because if they got thrown in a cell maybe they could survive but the words wouldn't come. 

"We have ways of making spies talk," Krennic said and someone handed him a vibroblade. "You though, you're different, I can tell. I've heard rumors of the Fulcrum agents and they would sooner go to the grave than tell anyone anything. Are you a Fulcrum agent?" Cassian didn't say anything he stared Krennic down and all Jyn could think about was failure. No one was attacking because they hadn't given the order. Everyone was trapped down here and they were going to be slaughtered. 

"Sir, rebels have been spotted on the island. Troopers killed a group of them," a man said. Krennic smiled as he turned back to Cassian with the vibroblade in hand. 

"Your friends are dying. I could be inclined to spare their lives if you tell me the location of your base," Krennic said. Cassian, to his credit, didn't even react to the news that everyone was dying. That seemed to be the end of Krennic's patience as he took the blade and shoved it hilt deep into Cassian's stomach. Jyn yelled out, she struggled, but the troopers held onto her. There was nothing she could do. "I've seen you, spies, before," Krennic said as he began to slowly twist the blade. Cassian was clearly struggling to hide the fact that he was in pain but hew as failing as Krennic twisted the blade. "You won't break for anything." Krennic twisted the blade harder and Cassian nearly fell over but the troopers kept a firm hold on him. "So if you won't tell me anything you're of no use to me." Krennic twisted the blade again and ripped it from Cassian's body. He took a large step back to avoid the spray of blood as the troopers let Cassian fall to the ground. 

Jyn screamed as the blood began to pool around Cassian. It took almost no time at all for him to bleed out on the floor and Jyn fought the entire time. She saw red; the red of the blood on the floor and the anger that she couldn't contain. She struggled until she broke free from the troopers and decided she was getting revenge on Krennic again. She was going to strangle him with her bare hands.

There was a flash of pain on her back and Jyn stumbled as she fell to the ground. She wasn't far from Cassian and she could see his face devoid of all life. The troopers had shot her in the back and she could feel herself bleeding out on the floor. 

They had failed and Jyn screamed as she died.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to update today because today was horrible. We had a 5.7 earthquake where I live followed by many aftershocks including a 4.6 and 4.4. So my anxiety was already a mess but on top of them, I just increased my medication dose and basically I was a wreck for 12 straight hours. I finished off this chapter and said I would post it in the morning but I want to post it now. Thank you all for your lovely support with this fic. Not sure how much is left, two chapters maybe? You'd think this fic would be longer for how long it sat in my head.

Jyn woke up with a scream in the back of her throat and thanked whatever was doing this to her that she woke up at all. She wasn't sure what would happen if they failed completely yet here she was, sitting in her room, and everything would be fine. Things weren't fine. They kept failing and she couldn't save everyone. 

"Maybe I'm the problem," Jyn said out loud as she hugged her legs to her chest. She wanted to go to Cassian but she didn't know if she could look into his eyes after watching him get gutted like that. He was so defiant in a way that Jyn wasn't sure she was. Would she hold up under torture like that? Was she loyal to the Alliance enough to let the Empire break her body and her spirit? Cassian was and maybe that was enough. Maybe if he went without her slowing them down they could make it. Maybe she was the one who made them die every single time. 

Once the thought entered into her mind Jyn couldn't let it go and she panicked. She threw on her clothes and stuffed her meager belongings into a bag. She needed to get out of here. Jyn knew that she was the problem and Cassian with his loyalty and Chirrut with his faith and Baze with his bravery and Bodhi with his kindness, they would be the ones to save everyone and come back alive. She was the one holding the strings of fate back. She was the one who was keeping them in this loop. Without her they would move on as the heroes they were and they would survive. That was the only explanation, the only one, so she needed to get out of here. 

After so many loops Jyn knew the guards of Yavin better than anyone. She didn't want anyone seeing her go to or come out of Cassian's room so she needed to learn where everyone was. So it wasn't hard to sneak out of her room and leave the comm behind. It wasn't hard to get across the base to a small cargo ship that was going to leave. It wasn't hard to hide on that ship and leave the planet and all of those people behind. It was better this way and without her, they would succeed and they would survive. 

It wasn't hard to sneak out of the ship and aboard another one. By the time the night on Yavin had ended Jyn was two planets away. She wasn't sure where she was but there was a seedy bar and an inn that took her money. Jyn fell down onto the shit bed and closed her eyes. She wondered if she would wake up back in Yavin if she slept.

She didn't and instead, Jyn went to the seedy bar and drank until she couldn't see straight. She beat some merchants at sabacc and had enough money to spend a little time here. Jyn tried not to think about the fact that they were going to get to Scarif soon and she wasn't there. Instead, she kept drinking until the end of the day when she stumbled back to her room and passed out wondering whether she was going to wake up back on Yavin. 

She didn't, she was still on this backwater planet and nothing had changed. Jyn didn't trust this but maybe this was the proof she needed. Maybe this was the reason that she needed to leave. If the day didn't restart then maybe they were all alive and they had the plans. She watched the holonet in the bar but the Empire controlled the airwaves and they wouldn't say if someone broke into one of their secure facilities. They wouldn't want anyone to know about that weakness. So Jyn kept her head down and she listened but no one was talking about the Rebellion. No one mentioned it in any capacity on this planet. There were Imperials here but they didn't seem to care. Jyn kept her head down and went to bed the second day wondering if this was the day she would wake up on Yavin. 

She didn't and for the first time, Jyn let herself relax a little. The Rebellion had the plans by now so they were going to win. Once they came recruiting again maybe she could join. Cassian would never speak to her again, she was sure of that, but the Rebels would take anyone they could get. They couldn't turn her away even if she ran from the unsanctioned mission. Jyn drank, she won a little money and thought about getting off of this planet and maybe going somewhere else. She was trying to think of where when the holonet changed and the symbol of the Empire appeared on the screen. It appeared they were going to some sort of live broadcast. Jyn looked up and saw an older man she didn't recognize. 

"Good evening citizens of this great Empire," the man said. "I am Grand Moff Tarkin and I have someone special here to talk to all of you." He gestured for someone to join him and Jyn nearly dropped her drink as Krennic appeared on the screen. "There was an incident a few days ago that I believe the people of our Empire need to see dealt with live on the holonet," Tarkin said. 

"Thank you, sir," Krennic said and he was smiling. "A few days ago Rebel spies tried to break into a secure facility. They were trying to steal data on our citizens so they could take our citizen's money for their own terrorist plots. We caught them, however, and we have the leader here." Jyn was doing her best to try and keep her hands from shaking because she knew what was about to happen and it still hurt. She watched as the camera swung and revealed two troopers as they dragged a bloody and broken Cassian. He was doing his best to stand but the troopers kicked the back of his legs and he painfully went down on the ground. 

"These are very serious crimes and this rebel has been found guilty of many accounts including the murder of innocent soldiers and citizens of the Empire, espionage, and many others," Tarkin said. "We believe it is time that we show the entire Rebellion what happens to terrorists."

"I agree, sir, capital punishment is the best course of action," Krennic said with a smile. Cassian bared bloodstained teeth at them and spit blood onto Krennic's white robes. Everyone in the bar was watching all of this happen and she could see that some of them looked excited, some of them looked disgusted, and others looked like this was normal. "I'm afraid this spy has not given us his name so he will die nameless." Krennic took a blaster from Tarkin and pointed it at Cassian. They were going to execute him right here in front of everyone to send a message. She thought about the Rebellion and how they were afraid before they had to watch one of their own get killed like this. 

Krennic fired his blaster and Cassian fell to the ground but Jyn realized that they weren't done. They had hit him in a place where he wouldn't die quickly; instead, they purposely shot him in a place where he would bleed out slowly. Krennic turned to Tarkin and the two of them began to talk to the camera about various things but they made sure to keep Cassian in the frame as he slowly bled out. Jyn had to put her glass down to keep from breaking it as she clenched her fists and she felt sick to her stomach. The people in the bar were talking about it, how they were watching a terrorist die slowly and he was getting what he deserved. Some said that capital punishment should be quick but they didn't blame the Empire for wanting to make an example. All Jyn could watch was Cassian as he lay on the ground, clearly in pain but doing his best to hide it, and slowly bleed out on the floor. 

It took fifteen long minutes for the light to die in Cassian's eyes and the broadcast ended. Jyn didn't know what she was going to do but she slapped a few credits on the table and stumbled out of the bar. She was in an alleyway and Jyn couldn't remember the last time she was sick but she was going to be sick. Jyn threw up behind a can and leaned heavily on it. There were tears in her eyes as she realized that leaving didn't make things better. All of them were dead, the Rebellion didn't get the plans, and this was likely going to be the thing that made them all decide to surrender. She ran away and things were so much worse than she ever could have imagined. 

"What do we have here?" a voice said and Jyn looked up. She saw a man in an Empire uniform with two troopers standing at the mouth of the alleyway. They were looking at her like they knew something she didn't. "We got reports of a woman in a bar that looked upset by the broadcast and the death of the rebel. Are you a sympathizer? Are you one of them?" Jyn blinked as she looked at her shaking hands. 

"I knew him," she said softly as she looked up at these men. "I knew him, I cared about him, and I am a rebel. I rebel against you and all of the Empire." The man nodded to the troopers who pulled out blasters and pointed them at her. There was nothing Jyn could do but stare down that blaster. "You are going to lose this war. I will see to that." 

"You will see nothing, rebel because I have found you guilty of treason and for that, you will receive capital punishment, do you have any last words?" the officer asked. Jyn spat on the floor and grinned at him. 

"I rebel," she said and opened her arms. She welcomed the blasts that hit her body and was thankful that these two had better aim that Krennic did. Jyn died instantly with a feral grin on her face. 

+++

Jyn woke up and for a moment she stared at the ceiling of her room back on Yavin. She had gone days without waking up in this room and now she was back. She was back because they had failed and she had died. So that meant that she had to make sure that everyone lived. Jyn thought about Cassian and the way he looked when the light left his eyes. She thought about watching him die with blood on his teeth and the way that no one seemed to care. It made her so angry she could hardly see straight. Jyn was not going to let all of this happen again. She hated herself a little for running away but there wasn't time to dwell on that. It was time to focus.

It was time to focus after she went to see Cassian and saw that he was alive and well. Jyn climbed out of her bed and made her way to the room that she knew like the back of her hand. She knocked on the door and knew exactly what he was going to look like when he opened the door. Jyn knew what to say that would get her in the room and all she wanted to do right now was pin him to a wall and kiss the living daylights out of him. Instead, Jyn thought about change and how she wanted something different. 

"What are you looking for?" she asked after Cassian handed her his shirt to wear. Jyn sat down on his bed, her back against the wall, and her legs hanging off the side. 

"I have some terrible liquor I thought we could drink to forget," Cassian replied. 

"I don't think that's a good idea," Jyn said and Cassian looked up at her. "I don't want to forget. I think remembering is much more important." She paused for a moment because Jyn couldn't remember if she had ever seen that look on Cassian's face. "I think I just want to sit here and talk." 

"You. Want to talk to me," Cassian said like this was something that never happened. It didn't occur to her that maybe that was the case. Cassian was a spy and she guessed that made it hard for people to trust him. A man who lived in secrets when you never knew whether or not he would keep them. 

"Yes," Jyn said. "I want to talk to you. We're going on a suicide mission together tomorrow and we hardly know anything about each other. Trust goes both ways and I need to know more about Captain Cassian Andor so I know I can trust him." 

"You want to trust me," he sounded so bewildered by this concept that it broke Jyn's heart a little. He looked so young as he stared at her and she realized that he wasn't much older than her. Maybe a couple of years and they were barely adults going into a war like this. Jyn gestured to the spot next to her for Cassian to sit down and he seemed like he was waiting for her to do something as he settled down next to her. They were sitting close enough that she could feel the heat coming off of his body but she didn't touch him. In all of their encounters, she was the one who touched him. This time, Jyn wanted Cassian to come to her. 

So they started to talk. It was the first time she had ever talked about her mother dying to another person and what it felt like when Saw left her behind. She told him about how she kept her head down just so she could survive. Jyn told him about being sixteen and starving on the streets with nothing but a blaster to her name. She told him about the first life she ever took by mistake and the first life she took intentionally. Jyn told him everything. 

In return, Cassian told her about losing his parents on Fest and his siblings that he watched die. He told her about finding Kay and how it sometimes felt like the droid was the only thing that ever wanted to talk to him. He told her about missions but left out details, and the things he had to do as an agent of the rebellion. Cassian told her about the first life he took accidentally and the first life he took intentionally. He told her about deep cover and how sometimes it took everything he had to keep from putting a blaster in his mouth and pulling the trigger. Jyn knew that Cassian didn't tell her everything but it felt like he told her enough. 

Cassian was sharing a story about Kay that she had heard before but it sounded better when Cassian wasn't drunk when he was telling it. There were more details that drunk Cassian left out and she enjoyed hearing it again. She just liked listening to him talk. Jyn's hand was resting on the bed and when Cassian put his down they touched. Jyn wanted to reach forward and take his hand. She wanted it more than anything at that moment. This was the first time she had come to Cassian and really felt like she connected with him on a human level. Cassian was funny and so smart with a dark sense of humor that most people wouldn't appreciate. He carried his guilt for the things he had done for the rebellion like a weight and Jyn could see it dragging him down. She felt like she knew the man and that made this different from every other time she had come to him.

Cassian hesitated like he was still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she wanted to be here and wasn't going to run away from him. Jyn wasn't afraid or disgusted by the blood on his hands because there was plenty on her hands as well. Still, Jyn waited because she wanted him to come to her. She thought it would mean more if he came to her. And the moment he reached forward and took her hand in his felt like leaping off of a cliff. Jyn leaned into Cassian and rested her cheek on his shoulder as he entwined their fingers. He was still afraid and she decided he need to know,

"I'm not afraid or disgusted by the blood on your hands, Cassian," Jyn said as she squeezed his hand. "Because I've got plenty on mine too." That was the thing that he needed to hear because he finally closed the distance between them and kissed her. Jyn gasped against his mouth because this was so different from any other kiss they had shared. There was no blood on Cassian's tongue from internal bleeding and she couldn't taste that terrible alcohol. It was just him and that made it so much better. Cassian pulled her onto his lap and the two of them spent what felt like half the night just kissing each other. She was breathless by the time Cassian pulled away to kiss along her throat. It didn't matter if he was drunk or sober it seemed Cassian could always find the sensitive place behind her ear. Jyn moaned and rolled her hips against him.

Cassian shifted her closer to him so there wasn't a place that they weren't touching and it felt incredible. He sucked a bruise into her skin and Jyn dug her nails into his shoulders. She wanted Cassian to set the pace of this but she also wanted his skin beneath her hands more than anything in the world. Jyn moved to pull Cassian's shirt off and held his gaze as she did so. Cassian's eyes somehow got darker as he pushed his own shirt off her shoulders and pulled off her tank top. He stared at her and Jyn wanted him so bad, she wanted him more than anything, and she pulled Cassian into a hard kiss.

It took some shifting but eventually, they ended up lying down on the bed but Jyn didn't break away from his kiss for longer than a second or two. She was approaching a hundred times reliving this day and she couldn't get enough of him. Jyn tried not to think about what would happen if she broke the cycle and they were both alive but sometimes she couldn't help it. She thought about having Cassian after the danger had passed. She thought about going on missions with him and finally fighting for a cause that she believed in. She thought about having him beside her for the rest of her life. Jyn thought about a future and it was one she wanted.  
Cassian's hand slipping into her shorts was enough to bring Jyn back to the present and he moaned against her lips when he felt how wet she was. He muttered something to himself in his home language that she didn't understand but it didn't matter. The point got across. Cassian's talented fingers made her see stars and while she wanted his mouth on her she also wanted him inside of her right now. Cassian seemed to understand what she needed without words as they pushed the rest of their clothes away and he finally pushed into her.

Jyn thought that the sex with Cassian when they were both tipsy was mind-blowing but this was something else altogether. This was a connection with another human being that Jyn didn't think she would ever have. This was feeling something more during sex than just release and pleasure. She couldn't put a name on it, not yet, but it was so much more. Cassian kissed her as they both were about to fall over the edge together and Jyn didn't think the concept of a mutual orgasm existed but here was Cassian blowing all of her expectations away and changing her life.

This was worth fighting for. This was worth the insanity she felt on the edge of her mind every time she woke up after another failure. This was worth it all. It was the way Cassian smiled down at her as she ran her fingers through his sweaty hair. It was also the way Chirrut held her hand tightly and Baze said "good luck, little sister" and Bodhi's determination to be better. Jyn didn't care how many times she had to repeat the mission on Scarif because they were all worth fighting for.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say I'm a little surprised by this chapter because I thought I had this fic all mapped out. Instead, this idea came to be which is something I hadn't ever thought of while planning this fic for three stupid years. How does this impact the chapter count? Not sure. There might be one left that is long or maybe one normal-sized chapter and one short one. Not sure which one but either way this fic should be completed within the next 4-8 days which is insane. Then I have to decide if I want to connect it to the other series of JediStormPilot fics I've written but there would have to be something in the middle for those. Don't know, playing it by ear, but we'll see. Either way thank you all for your love, comments, and kudos on this little fic. <3

After that, it felt like something shifted for Jyn. She found her fire again and was determined to find a way to save them all. It was what she needed to do. It was also fairly clear to her that whatever she needed to do to make this stop involved saving them. The next few rounds she began to finalize her plans. She made sure that Kay had a backup at the base. She told Bodhi where to hide and how to connect the cord without killing himself. The first time she tried to keep Baze and Chirrut close to the ship it didn't work. They always died together and for some reason that gave her hope. She knew that they would keep each other safe. So she arranged for them to be in certain places that Bodhi could easily find once he took off. That also led to the problem of rebellion fighters shooting Bodhi down. The first time he screamed as the ship went down haunted her. 

So she made sure that Baze and Chirrut and as much of the group as possible ended up at a landing platform that was empty by the end of the fight. It worked, sometimes, but there were other times that it didn't. Sometimes Bodhi would land and troopers would take over the ship. Bodhi always fought with everything he had but it wasn't enough. Sometimes Chirrut or Baze would take a fatal shot and the other refused to get on the ship. Jyn knew she couldn't save one of them, it had to be both, but they were fighters and they wanted to help. It seemed like luck whether or not both of them would make it onto the ship but she gauged her failures on whether or not they got on the ship. If they didn't then she could work on trying to stop Cassian from falling. 

There was an attempt when she tried to take his place in the fall but instead, she was knocked from the tower and fell to her death. There were so many things that kept going wrong but she kept tweaking them. She knew the layout of the citadel by now and tried to use that knowledge to help her but that wasn't enough. Kay wasn't there to take the shots to close the door and she felt the blaster bolt that killed her. 

She didn't want to send Cassian out alone but it was the only way. He was a high enough rank that no one would look at him and he could open the channel. The first time that worked Jyn nearly cried with relief but she still had to watch Cassian fall again and again. Every time he fell she hated herself a little more that she couldn't seem to stop this. So Jyn tried to stop the fall again and that meant she watched Cassian die a lot. She saw him fall to his death. She saw him take a blaster shot to the head, to the chest, to the stomach, to the back, to the leg, and every combination of falls. She saw him miss the platform completely and plummet to his death. It didn't matter what she did; Cassian always fell. 

Jyn kept working and she kept repeating the day and while she was determined to find a way to make this work it didn't make it any easier. There were some days that she didn't go to Cassian even though she wanted more than anything. Her nerves were starting to fray again and one time she sat in her room and ignored the comm until Cassian came to find her. The disappointment in his eyes when he thought that she was going to run was more than Jyn could bare and she threw herself from the top of the citadel in anger. She was angry, just so angry, that no matter what she did they always failed.

The only bright spot was going to Cassian's room and being with him. She didn't have a word for what she felt about him, it felt wrong to put a word on it when this was all one-sided, but she couldn't help herself. They talked and she learned more and more stories about him. She learned what he liked during sex and what he didn't. Jyn used those to her advantage to render him mindless in minutes but there was a nagging doubt in the back of her mind. It was approaching two hundred tries and she knew so much about Cassian but he didn't know anything more about her. It was all happening to him for the first time every time. 

Once Jyn realized that she felt like she had to hold back. It didn't seem fair that she had months of learning everything there was to know about Cassian and he didn't know anything about her. If, when, she saved all of them her relationship with him was going to change and she didn't know how to explain it to him. She didn't know how to tell him that they'd been together so many times that she could map the scars on his skin. That she knew the stories behind all of those scars. Never before had she wished that she knew how to tell him what was going on. That night, Jyn felt alone and when she failed to save everyone on that next run she made a decision. She was going to tell him. 

Jyn woke up and walked through the hallways. She avoided the people she needed to avoid and she got to his door. She knocked and when Cassian opened the door she didn't give him a chance to say anything. 

"Your name is Cassian Jeron Andor. You were born on Fest and your parents were separatists during the Clone Wars. You have been with the rebellion in varying forms since you were six and you took your first life when you were ten but it was an accident and it haunts you to this day," Jyn said quickly. "Let me in and I'll tell you how I know all of that." Cassian glared but opened the door and she knew he was looking for a weapon nearby. There was a vibroblade in the boots on the ground and even though she could have stopped him she let Cassian grab the vibroblade, pin her to the door, and press the blade against her neck. 

"I've never told anyone about that first death haunting me. The only thing in the universe that might know that is Kay and now you're standing in front of my door, saying my full name, and one of my darkest secrets," Cassian hissed and this was the spy that she hadn't met before. This was the man that shot Tivik in the back when it was apparent that he would give up everything if he lived. "How do you know those things? Answer quickly before I slit your throat." 

"I know because you told me," Jyn whispered. "I know because I'm repeating this day over and over again and every time we die I wake up in my room and we start again. I come to you almost every time I repeat a day and you've told me so much about yourself. I've come to learn a lot about you Cassian." She slipped a hand under his shirt and touched a white scar she knew was there. "This is from a blaster bolt when you were fifteen. You nearly bled out but you survived. It seems the Force wants you to survive too because if you die I keep waking up. I need to save you. You welcomed me home and now I need you to trust me again."

The vibroblade remained at her throat and she hoped, she prayed, that he would believe her. Maybe if he knew them he would make sure that everyone was safe. Maybe he would trust her judgment and let her guide them through the citadel so they didn't need Kay there. Cassian stared at her and all she saw was the spy. All she saw was the soldier and the man that nearly pulled the trigger on her father and it was like the entire floor fell out from beneath her. This wasn't the look of a man that believed her. This was the look of a man that looked like he was about to make a difficult choice. 

Before Cassian could do anything Jyn kicked her foot out and knocked him back a step. The vibroblade cut her throat but just enough that it barely bled. She had no weapons but her fists but that was enough. That could be enough. 

"You can't know those things," Cassian said as he flipped the vibroblade in his hand. So he had practice with a short blade. That didn't surprise her considering he was a spy and probably assassinated someone by stabbing them in the back. "My only conclusion is that you're here to kill me or you're here to contact the Empire. Either way, I'm not going to let that happen."

"Cassian, I don't want to do this," Jyn said. 

"That isn't for you to decide," he replied. Jyn managed to dodge the first swipe of the blade but with no weapons of her own and such a small space, this wasn't going to end well for either of them. She needed to get that vibroblade away from him. Cassian was fast and well trained but Jyn was faster and she was smaller. That was a great advantage in a situation like this. She ducked from the blade and punched Cassian in the stomach. He coughed but barely reacted outwardly. Cassian came at her again and she felt the blade graze her shoulder. The cut was bleeding but she could ignore it for now. She moved to the side and knocked the vibroblade from Cassian's hand. It fell to the side and Jyn made sure to kick it under the bed. 

Cassian was across the room and he was glaring at her. Jyn didn't want to hurt him and she needed him healthy if they were going to try and make a run on the Death Star plans today. She didn't want to hold back but if Cassian couldn't climb then all hope would be lost. So Jyn pulled her punches as they fought again but she still split Cassian's lip and when she saw the blood on his teeth she panicked a little. She thought about the many times she had to watch Cassian bleed out from wounds. It was enough that he was able to gain the edge. 

Cassian swiped a foot out and knocked her down to the ground. Before Jyn could do anything he was on top of her and pinning her wrists to the ground. He had all his weight on her so she couldn't kick him off and even if she could the grip on her wrists was ironclad. They were close, nearly nose to nose, and the last time they were like this Cassian was smiling after a very good orgasm. Now he was looking down at her like she was the enemy like she was someone to kill, and Jyn didn't know how to react to this Cassian. He told her about all of the terrible things he had done and that he carried only some guilt for some of them but she hadn't seen that man yet. The one she knew kept coming back to for, he drank his terrible booze with her and took her advice when she told him to make a backup for Kay. 

He had tried to kill her and she was lying here thinking about how she wanted to kiss him. It was ridiculous but Jyn couldn't help herself. Somehow, this spy of the rebellion managed to work his way into her heart and she didn't know how. She cared about him, Jyn wanted him to be safe, and even though she didn't know the man staring down at her right now she didn't care about the darkness. She knew Cassian had done some terrible things the same way she did and that the man staring down at her with death in his eyes was just as much a part of him as the one that smiled after sex or laughed while he was drunk. 

"Cassian," she whispered. "We have to get the Death Star plans. You know as much as I do how important it is. You have to believe that my father left a weakness in it and we have to go. If we don't the Empire will win this war. Please, if you have to believe anything I say, at least believe that." 

"I believed you yesterday and I believe you now," Cassian said and they were so close that their lips were nearly touching. "And even if you were lying, having those plans could help the rebellion in other ways. We need to go to Scarif." Jyn breathed a sigh of relief and she wanted to close the distance between them. "But that doesn't mean you get to roam free." She was about to ask what he meant by that when Cassian released one of her wrists and hit her head with something heavy. Jyn saw spots and the last thing she saw was Cassian staring down at her. 

When she came to Jyn fully expected to wake up after another failed attempt but she wasn't on Yavin. She was in the storage closet that she hid in the day she thought she had dreamed the mission. Her hands and feet were in binders, her head was killing her, and she appeared to be wearing Cassian's clothes. She struggled against the binders but they were very much in place. Plus she didn't have much time alone as the door opened and Cassian was standing in front of her. 

"You brought me alone," she said.

"I couldn't risk you getting a transmission out to our enemies," Cassian replied as he stared down at her. He was still the soldier, the spy, standing before her and Jyn was still not exactly a huge fan of it.

"What happened when we get to Scarif? Are you going to let me go?" she asked even though she knew the answer. This Cassian didn't trust her and he was going to let her out on a mission like this. 

"No, you can stay here," he said. "We'll be landing shortly. Try to make yourself comfortable." Cassian was about to hit the door when Jyn remembered an important detail to all of this. 

"Cassian," she said. "My father made the Death Star and he called me Stardust. That is important." Jyn didn't expect anything from that and Cassian blinked once and closed the door behind her. She felt the ship land and Jyn tried to work on the binders but they were extremely tight. Jyn wondered if she was going to die in an explosion for the first time when the door opened and Bodhi stood before her. 

"I can't believe he did this," Bodhi said as he knelt down in front of her. He messed with the binders and eventually freed her hands. The two of them worked together and finally, her feet were free. Bodhi offered her a hand and pulled her to her feet. "Are you okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?" 

"No, he was doing what he thought was right," Jyn replied as she looked around the ship. It appeared that everyone was already out and moving around the base. This was probably the only chance she would have to really track Chirrut and Baze's movement. She needed to know where they went and how she could keep them safe. "Bodhi, close the bay door or someone is going to try and blow up the ship once the fighting begins. We might have to transmit the plans so we need to open up a channel. Drop down through the same hole everyone else did and use that to connect to the transmitter. I also need a comm." 

"Cassian said you were being weird but he didn't say how weird," Bodhi said but he gave her a comm nevertheless which she appreciated. 

"Cassian? It's Jyn, you need to do something before you go into the citadel," she said. 

"How the hell did you get out?" he asked. 

"It doesn't matter. Look, we might have to transmit these plans and do that we need to open the line of communication. You and Kay need to hit the level on a main control panel or the signal won't get through," Jyn explained and she tried not to think too much. "Please, trust me." There was a long beat of silence where Jyn was sure all of this had gone to hell and there was nothing she could do to prevent it. 

"Fine," Cassian said but he didn't sound happy about it. His comm went dark after that but Jyn knew that he wasn't going to do well on his own. Without someone drawing the fire at the citadel he was going to get shot and die. He was going to die alone and that made her heart feel like someone was trying to carve it out with a dull vibroblade. There was no time; she needed to look for Chirrut and Baze so she knew where to send them when she attempted this again. Jyn took a blaster and walked out into the battle. It didn't take long to find the rebels once the explosions started going on. She heard Cassian's voice and tried to ignore it. 

Unlike the group, Jyn felt like she could move a lot easier than anyone else because she was alone. She only had to look out for herself which was why she was able to catch up to Chirrut, Baze, and their unit fairly quickly. She joined in the fighting and neither of them looked surprised to see her. 

"The Force told me that you are doing great thing Jyn Erso," Chirrut said and there was something about the way he said it that made Jyn think that maybe he knew she was repeating the day. Baze touched her arm and offered a small smile. 

"It's good to see you, little sister," he said and they were fighting. Jyn kept getting distracted by Chirrut and Baze and she watched each of their movements. With the channel open they didn't go that way and she carefully kept the group together but near landing pads. She told Bodhi to take off but to make sure that he hailed the other rebels to tell them not to shoot him down. Cassian's comm was dark and she wanted to see if he was still alive but she didn't want to hear him die. She also didn't want him to die alone. 

The Death Star appeared and Bodhi managed to land at one of the landing bays but Jyn made sure that no one could find her. She made sure that everyone else, including Baze and Chirrut, got on that ship. Jyn knew where they had to go so she could save them. She knew she could save them all now but first she needed to start again one more time. Jyn settled against a tree in the jungle and closed her eyes. 

"Cassian?" she said into the comm. "Are you there?" 

"I failed," Cassian whispered and she could hear the pain in his voice. He must have fallen still and no one bothered to try and capture him. The plans didn't get sent and the rebellion was getting torn to pieces around her. The planet was going to get destroyed by the Death Star any moment now and he would be gone. 

"It's okay," she said. 

"Because you're going to do it all over again tomorrow?" he asked and Cassian didn't sound sarcastic. If anything; he sounded hopeful. Jyn supposed that the place they were in, death and failure looming over them, hope that they might get another chance seemed like a lot. 

"Yes, I'm going to do it all again tomorrow, and we're going to send the plans and we're going to live," Jyn said and she sounded much more confident than she felt. There was still so much that could go wrong but Cassian was dying and he didn't need to know that she still had doubts. 

"Maybe don't tell me next time," he said with a laugh followed by a cough that sounded painful. "Jyn, I--" The line went dead as the Death Star fired on the planet. Cassian was gone and for the first time, Jyn had to face the wave alone. She sat among the trees and ignored the rumbling, she ignored the heat that was getting closer by the second and thought about how close she was to getting this right. And if tears were rolling down her cheeks there wasn't anyone to see them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I literally committed to six chapters yesterday and then I was lying in bed last night and realized I have enough for at least another chapter. So here we are with another one. We have one more chapter to go and then we're done here. I can't believe this fic is actually going to exist in the real world and not just my head. Kind of amazing. Also, another note at the end.

Jyn woke up and touched her cheek. She was crying and that was the first indication she ever had that what happened in one loop could impact another. Jyn didn't know what it meant but right now she couldn't think about that. She thought about Cassian and the sound of him dying over the comm and how she wanted to see him. Jyn climbed out of bed and walked toward his room. She dodged the people she needed to dodge, hid from the cameras, and got to the door without anyone seeing her. Right now, though, she didn't care if someone saw her. She just wanted to be with him. Jyn knocked on the door and she waited. 

Cassian looked the same as he always did. The pillow mark on his face, his hair was a mess, and she told him what he needed to hear to get in the door even though it didn't sit well with her. Jyn turned down the booze and they sat and quietly talked for a little while. She wanted this to be the run that they remembered because this was going to be the time she won. She was going to save them. Jyn tired to let Cassian come to her but she couldn't wait. She leaned forward and kissed him softly and pulled away before he could react. He blinked once, twice, and leaned in for another kiss. 

It was easy as breathing as she moved into his lap and straddled his waist. It felt easy to slip her fingers into his hair and tug on it the way she knew he liked. It felt easy to tip her head to the side and let Cassian suck a bruise into her skin. She rolled her hips and swallowed his gasp with a kiss. He pushed his shirt off of her and touched the skin on her waist and back. 

"I want you," Jyn whispered against his lips. Cassian got that look again, the one where he didn't look like he believed that she really wanted him. Jyn knew that he was going to ask if she was sure but Jyn knew what she wanted. She kissed him again and put everything that she was feeling, even the things she refused to name, into that kiss. It seemed to satisfy Cassian who slowly moved the two of them so they were lying down without breaking that kiss. He pulled away so he could toss his shirt aside and Jyn ran her hands along his chest. She touched the scars and wanted to tell him that she knew the stories behind all of them. Maybe someday she could tell him all she knew but now wasn't the time. Jyn sat up and pulled her shirt off as Cassian began to kiss down her chest. 

She arched against him when he took one of her nipples into his mouth and it was really unfair how good this man was in bed. Every single time she slept with him it was good and she had the added benefit of knowledge. Cassian just seemed to know what places to touch her every single time without fail. He kissed down her stomach and glanced up at her when he got to her sleep shorts. Jyn was already a little breathless but she nodded and let him push them and her underwear down her legs and toss them aside. 

This time, Cassian sucked a bruise into the sensitive skin of her inner thigh and Jyn was nearly screaming by the time he finally put his mouth on her. She hadn't ever been with a man who seemed to enjoy making his partner come as much as Cassian did. He seemed to get off on going down on her as much as she did. Jyn held onto his head and moaned loud enough that half the base could hear when he slipped two fingers into her. There was something different about this time because she didn't remember being this sensitive before yet when Cassian crocked his fingers just the right way Jyn nearly saw stars. When she came she nearly screamed his name and didn't care who in the base heard. 

"You're going to do wonders for my reputation if you keep that up," Cassian said as he kissed back up her body. 

"Shut up," Jyn said and yanked him into a hard kiss. She could taste herself on him but she didn't care. It didn't matter how many times they were together he still found a way to surprise her when it came to sex. She slipped a hand into his pajama bottoms and could feel how hard he was and how badly he wanted her. "I said I want you and I fucking meant it, Cassian Andor." He huffed a laugh against her lips and they pushed the last of his clothing away. She was still so sensitive from her orgasm earlier that she nearly cried when he finally pushed into her. 

It was good, it was still so good, and she wanted nothing more than to keep Cassian safe in this bed so they didn't have to go Scarif. She wanted to stop him from falling but she learned from her mistakes. She knew that there was no stopping his fall and any chance she had to try and make it better failed. So Jyn knew she was going to have to watch him fall again but that didn't mean she wasn't going to enjoy this. She pulled him down into another kiss as they began to move together. They worked so well together that it was unreal. Jyn didn't know what made them click so well but she wasn't going to question it. 

Cassian kissed along her jaw and buried his face in her neck as they chased release. She could feel his hips start to stutter and when Cassian reached down and touched her Jyn came almost immediately. Cassian was a second behind and they clung to each other as they fell over the edge. He stayed close even after he slipped out of her and they kissed for a long time. It still felt odd to lie in a bed with a man that she just slept with and kiss him but that was something Jyn knew would fade with time. She pressed her forehead to Cassian's and closed her eyes. This was it, this was the time when she was going to get it right, and this was the night he was going to remember. 

Jyn stayed most of the night and only left when she had to go back to her room and change. She almost didn't bother because Cassian was standing there with a bruise on his collarbone and she just had to keep kissing him. By the time she finally left Jyn would have let him take her against the door and it took everything she had to keep from throwing her hands into the air and just fucking Cassian again. She deserved it after so many attempts to get this right and, besides, this was the time she was going to succeed so hadn't she earned another orgasm? 

The comm came when she knew it would and Jyn walked with Cassian onto Rogue One. She told the men what they needed to hear so they could get this mission done but she also told them more. She was very specific about where they should go and when. She told Bodhi to close the door to the ship once the fighting started. Jyn expressed concern that they might have to transmit the plans and they needed to make sure the line was open for Bodhi in case he needed to get through the shield. She told Cassian that when they were going into the citadel they should open that line so no one else would have to.

Everyone listened and Cassian looked impressed by her planning. Jyn watched him carefully as they landed the ship. She wondered if she was going to tell him that she repeated this mission over and over again. Jyn wondered if he would believe her if she did. They got the uniforms and began to walk the path she knew all too well. They opened the line and no one questioned them. They kept their heads down and Cassian told them to "light it up". Kay sacrificed himself but there was a copy of him waiting back at the base so they could reboot him, they could bring him back, so it was okay. That is what she told Cassian who still looked shattered every time Kay died. 

The rebellion came and Bodhi took off into the sky but not before calling in and telling them not to shoot him down. They broke the glass and climbed. Krennic appeared like a man out of her nightmares and Jyn forced herself to watch Cassian fall. She wasn't going to allow him to get worse though. She pushed herself and climbed as fast as she could. Jyn nearly ran across the platform and straightened the dish. The plans were already transmitting by the time Krennic appeared. Jyn didn't need to tell him that he lost or who she was, it didn't matter and she got all of that out of her system so long ago, so she hid and hit him with her blaster as soon as he was close enough. Krennic crumpled to the ground and Jyn ran. 

Cassian had just made his way to the hallway when she got to him. She pulled him into the elevator and told Bodhi to come and pick them up. 

"Do you think someone's listening?" Cassian whispered as they traveled down to the ground below where salvation was waiting for them. 

"I do," Jyn whispered and she kissed him. She could taste the blood in his mouth but Jyn didn't care. He was going to be okay, Bodhi was going to get them in time, and that was all that mattered. The plans were sent, she completed her mission, and she won. 

Rogue One was waiting when the doors opened and the two of them stumbled out into the light. Baze and Chirrut were waiting for them, bloodied and hurt but they would survive and helped them into the open ship. The Death Star was here and they needed to go. Cassian looked over his shoulder and suddenly he was pushing Jyn out of the way. 

"Look out!" he screamed. She turned just in time to see two lone Death Troopers firing at them. One of them was shooting at her but Cassian shoved her away. She watched in horror as the blaster bolt hit him square in the chest. Chirrut and Baze returned fire as the bay door closed but Jyn dragged herself to Cassian's side. His shirt was already stained red and she knew what he looked like with a fatal blaster wound to the chest. 

"No, no, not like this, I got everything right, this can't be how this ends, it just can't be," Jyn said as she held onto Cassian's hand. She was begging him to stay awake, for someone to do something, and all Jyn could do was watch as Chirrut knelt down next to Cassian and began to pray. She could hear the words; Chirrut was absolving Cassian of everything he had done so he could join the Force in peace but Jyn couldn't accept it. She leaned over and forced him to look at her. "You can't do this to me." 

"I'm sorry," Cassian whispered and all of the air left his lungs. He went still and the ringing in Jyn's ears was deafening. She could hear people talking about her but Chirrut and Baze were ushering people away to give her some space. She looked up when Baze handed her Cassian's brown jacket, smiled sadly at her, and left her to mourn. 

Jyn looked down at Cassian's still form as she felt the ship begin to make its way off of the planet. She wasn't ready, she needed another attempt, and the only way for that to happen was for her to die. Jyn remembered talking to Cassian many attempts ago and he told her about the lullaby pills. She could feel one sewed into the lining of his jacket. She acted without thinking as she ripped the material open and let the small pill fall into her hand. Jyn needed another attempt, she needed to save them all, so that meant she had to die. 

Jyn swallowed the pill dry and laid down on the cool floor of the ship next to Cassian. The troopers took him from her but she wasn't going to let that happen again. Jyn took his hand into hers and felt the effects of the pill wash over her. She closed her eyes as Rogue One broke out of the atmosphere of Scarif. 

+++

Jyn opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling above her. For a moment, she wondered if the lullaby hadn't killed her and now she was back on base and Cassian was dead. That wasn't the case, she was sure of it because even though she wasn't as injured as some other members of the group she would still be in medical if they had made it back to the base. So the lullaby had worked and Jyn had to come to terms with the fact that she had just committed suicide again. There was something to be said about the various times over the many attempts that she had killed herself or let herself die. In fact, ever since Bodhi started surviving every time she refused to leave unless Cassian was with her she was killing herself. Jyn didn't want to think about that because it made her chest feel like it was going to cave in.

Instead, she got up and packed all of her things in her bag and picked up her comm. Jyn didn't want to come back to this room again in the morning because she was just so tired. She was so tired of this mission and then one time she really thought that she was going to win and she lost. The one time she thought this was the day she wanted to keep and it slipped through her fingers. She could still feel Cassian's blood on her hands as she walked through the base. This time, Jyn didn't care if anyone saw her. This time, she let people see her. She wasn't ashamed of Cassian or that she wanted to be with him. She never was and now it was time to prove it to him and to herself.

Jyn knocked on the door to Cassian's room and waited for him to come. He answered it and she took in every detail about him. She knew what to say that would get her in the door but it wasn't the truth. Jyn had lost track of how many times she had lied to get into this room and she didn't want to lie to him anymore. She didn't want anything left between them that wasn't real.

"I'm here because I want to see you. I want to spend the night here because I don't want to be alone on what could be the last night of my life," Jyn said because that was the truth. "Can I come in and we'll talk? I'd like to get to know the man who just welcomed me home." After so many attempts at this Jyn thought, she knew all of Cassian's smiles but this one was new. It was like watching a sunrise and it seemed to light up his entire face.

"I'd be honored," he said and he opened the door to let her in. Jyn dropped all of her things in a corner and accepted the shirt that Cassian offered her. He was a little uncomfortable that she was here and she wanted to talk to him but that was fine. They had time to get comfortable around each other. Instead of leaning against the wall this time they stretched out against the back of the bed, legs stretched out, touching in so many places that it was already driving her a little mad.

They talked and while she wanted nothing more than to get her arms around him that wasn't all she was thinking about. While sex with Cassian was incredible Jyn realized that she didn't just want sex from Cassian. She was content to sit here with him, touching casually, and getting to know him a little. She was content to sit here and never kiss him and if this was her last attempt she could still die happy. Jyn watched Cassian laugh at something she said and her heart skipped a beat and it hit her like a gut punch; she was in love with him.

The idea that she was in love with Cassian when he barely knew her made Jyn feel a little sick to her stomach. If she ever got out of this loop she was going to know so much about him and she was going to barely tolerate him one day to loving him the next. It could take months or years for Cassian to feel the same way about her. There was a chance that he might not ever feel the same way about her.

And by the Force Jyn did not care. All she wanted was for this amazing man and all her amazing friends to live. That is what she wanted above all else and if she had to wait for Cassian to catch up to her then she would. She would wait for the rest of their lives if that was what it took.

"Jyn? Are you okay?" Cassian asked and Jyn realized that she'd spent the last ten minutes staring at him without saying a word. There wasn't much space between them and it would take almost no effort at all to lean forward and kiss him. To pull him down and get lost in him. But she was tired, she was so tired, and all she wanted was to sleep. Jyn leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Cassian's lips. It was a chaste kiss, barely there, and it was somehow the most intimate kiss she had ever shared with him. They pulled away from each other and Jyn pressed her forehead to Cassian's. They both closed their eyes and breathed deep as Cassian took her hand into his and entwined their fingers.

"I'm so tired, Cassian," Jyn whispered.

"I know," he replied. "So am I." And while she was talking about all of the time she spent having this mission happen over and over again Jyn also knew that Cassian was talking about something else. He was talking about the running, the blood, the death, the fighting, everything that came with a war that seemed like it was never going to end. Cassian had no idea what she meant but Jyn also knew that he understood what she was talking about on a deep level.

"Let's get some sleep," Jyn said and Cassian nodded. It didn't take long for the two of them to settle down in the small bed. Jyn kept the shirt on and made sure that both of their comms were on. Cassian hesitated but eventually pulled her back against his front with an arm resting on her hip. She felt him press his forehead to her neck and Jyn closed her eyes at the soft kiss he left there. While there were times she hadn't gone to Cassian's room at all this was the first time she had gone to him and they hadn't slept together. Jyn closed her eyes and let herself feel safe in Cassian's arms. She could sleep.

Jyn slept without nightmares for the first time in a long time until the comm's went off and they needed to get up. It was nice, waking up with Cassian, he was strangely shy about the whole thing that was incredibly endearing to her. He hesitated as they were getting ready to leave. 

"Do you want me to provide a distraction so no one sees you leaving?" he asked and Jyn blinked because of course his mind went there. Cassian didn't think she would want to be seen with him because of his reputation. Jyn didn't think her own reputation could get much lower than it was so she shook her head. She wasn't ashamed of him; not now and not ever. 

"I'm not worried," Jyn replied. Cassian blinked once and then walked across the room in three big steps. Jyn didn't have the chance to ask what was going on when Cassian took her by the waist and kissed her within an inch of her life. They didn't kiss for very long, there wasn't time, but Cassian had a soft smile on his face that she hadn't ever seen before. They walked out of the room together and as they walked Jyn told him about the backup for Kay. 

Jyn walked onto Rogue One just as she always did. She laid out the plans that would keep as many people as she could safe even as she thought about how they were still going to get hurt. Chirrut and Baze didn't look great the last time she saw them but that didn't mean that she could do anything about it. Bodhi was told where to go and possibly when. Everyone was told to keep their comm's on them at all times because they needed to know where everyone was if they're going to get off of this planet. 

Jyn didn't want to take a break but she goes to the same closet yet again and closes the door. Mere moments later Cassian opened the door and joined her. 

"Are you worried?" he asked. 

"Of course," Jyn replied but she couldn't tell him why and she couldn't fall apart now. Cassian didn't say anything else but he did move close enough that she could feel the heat coming off of his body and that was comfort enough. It had to be enough because there wasn't any other option. 

They got to Scarif with no issues and she watched as Bodhi gave the codes that would get him onto the base. She explained that they might have to transmit the plans if there is a worst-case scenario. Jyn explained the best way to open the channel and explained to Kay and Cassian what they should do. Kay, as always, made a snarky remark about how she might be smarter than he originally thought but Jyn let it slide. She knew, now, how much Kay meant to Cassian and there wasn't any point to getting into a fight now. Jyn learned that so many attempts ago. 

Yet as she walked out into the bright Scarif sunlight and tasted the ocean breeze Jyn thought this might be the closest she ever was to giving up. Jyn was so tired of the blood of the people she cared about on her hands. She was so tired of this planet and the Death Star and Krennic’s fucking face. Jyn just wanted them all to live so she could rest. That was what she wanted at this moment; rest and the knowledge that the people she cared about were safe. 

Jyn went through the motions of what she needed to do to make this right. She comforted Cassian when Kay saved them. She forced herself to watch Cassian fall yet again. She climbed as fast as she could so she got to the tower long before Krennic did. She sent the plans and waited for Krennic to get here. Even though Jyn knew she should be beyond petty revenge it still felt good to break Krennic's nose with the butt of her blaster. She got to Cassian and took him in her arms. 

As they went down the elevator together after Jyn called for Bodhi to come and pick them up. She looked into Cassian's eyes and kissed him softly. He still tasted like blood but she ignored it. The Death Troopers would be waiting for them when they got on the ship and Cassian would always try to push her out of the way.

A thought dawned on her; maybe she wasn't supposed to make it through this. Maybe she was the one who needed to die so the people she cared about could live. All of the previous times she did this at least one member of Rogue One died. Not once did they all make it off-planet save for her. Jyn had tried everything else and she was so tired. This had to be the solution. So when Cassian cried out she pushed him out of the way. The blaster bolt that would have hit Cassian's chest hit Jyn in the shoulder. They both went down hard. 

Someone was trying to tell Jyn that she was going to be okay but she knew she was bleeding a lot despite it being a shoulder wound. Cassian was looking at her from his place on the ground, blood on his lips as he coughed, and she could only imagine what that did for his internal injuries. Jyn didn't look away as the world began to fade and sleep sounded good. She was so tired and this was it. There was an air of finality to it all. The answer was her death and she was fine with that. It was worth it if they all got to live. 

Jyn closed her eyes and let the darkness take her. 

She was so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> [I'm not.]


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the end of this fic. I can't believe it's finally out of my head and online for all of you to read. I'm going to leave a much longer chapter note at the end of this fic but what I will say is thank you. Thank you to all of you that shared, commented, made me feel welcome in the Star Wars fandom. I have plans, not solid ones, but there are some things going on in my head. I'm looking forward to someday sharing them. Hopefully this time it won't take over three years.

Jyn woke up and immediately knew that something was different. The ceiling she was staring at, even though her vision was a bit blurry, was different from the one in her room. There was the smell of bacta on her skin and lingering in the air. She could hear people talking and droids making noises but she couldn't make sense of any of it. Jyn had slept and woken up when she ran from the rebellion and the fight and she knew that waking up somewhere different didn't mean it was over. In fact, she really didn't know how to tell if it was over. She could try and die again but that seemed a little counterproductive at this point. The whole reason she was doing this was to save everyone. 

Then she remembered lying on the floor of Rogue One as she bled out. As she looked over at Cassian who was rapidly paling before her and there was blood on his lips. He was probably bleeding internally and that was ignoring the blaster wound on his side. Jyn had always worried that Cassian was too hurt to survive and now she was somewhere else, healed, and she didn't know how to ask if he made it. She didn't know how she was going to react if he died while they were flying back to Yavin. Jyn started to panic and she heard a few droids start to make strange noises. 

"Be still, little sister," Baze's voice said from somewhere. Jyn blinked and realized that she hadn't looked around at all. She turned her head and Baze came into view. He had a few bacta patches on his body and he looked very tired but he was alive. His voice was enough to make Jyn relax a little. 

"She is awake then," Chirrut said and he walked into her line of sight. He was also a bit worse for wear but didn't appear to have any terrible injuries. He was okay and standing right in front of her. Vaguely, Jyn could hear someone scrambling over to her and then she saw Bodhi. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week and if you touched him hard enough he'd shatter into a million pieces but he was there. Whole. Alive. She didn't know how to deal with it. 

"Jyn, you're okay," Bodhi whispered and he smiled. Jyn knew she needed to ask the question that was plaguing her mind but if she asked then she might not get the answer she wanted. There was a very good chance she wouldn't get the answer she wanted. Cassian was nearly dead on his feet by the time they got to Rogue One and that was before she shoved his broken and beaten body to the ground. 

"Cassian--is he--did he--" Jyn managed to say even though her mouth was so dry she could barely talk. The droid started making noises again as Jyn began to run through a million scenarios where this went wrong. 

"It's okay," Bodhi said but that didn't answer her question. He offered her a straw and the water just felt perfect in her mouth but that wasn't the answer she wanted. Jyn needed to know what happened so she could find a way to start this all over again and save him. She had to save him. "Jyn, look," Bodhi said and he gestured to her other side. It felt like it took a lifetime for Jyn to look the other direction but she did and there he was. 

Someone had pushed her bed and Cassian's bed together so there were only inches of space between them. Someone also pushed down the guard rails so it was like they were trying to make one big bed. His skin had a gray pallor to it and it reminded her of all the times she held his body. Jyn knew what Cassian looked like as a corpse and this wasn't helping. His hand was lying on the bed and she needed to touch him. She needed to feel if he was warm still because that would mean he was alive. Jyn's body was not agreeing with her and it took so much effort to move her hand just enough that his pinky touched hers. 

He was warm and he was alive.

"Medical didn't want to push your beds together but the Force willed it," Chirrut said and she heard Baze grunt in agreement. She turned and saw that the two of them were smiling a little as if they knew somehow, which was impossible but Jyn wasn't going to question it. He was alive and that was all that mattered. Jyn couldn't remember the last time moving her hand made her this tired. A large hand with callouses that smelled vaguely of the ozone from blasters settled on her forehead. 

"Rest, little sister, you're safe," Baze and Jyn believed him. 

+++

The next time Jyn woke up she felt a lot more human. The world didn't quite feel as fuzzy around the edges and she had a better grasp of what was real and what wasn't. She was still in medical and Cassian was still unconscious next to her. Jyn has no idea whether the plans got through or not. She had no idea how many lives were lost and saved from Scarif. All she knew was that despite being in a bacta tank her shoulder still ached. She knew that Cassian still looked like death even though people said he'd been in the tank more than once.

The people in medical didn't want to tell her much so Jyn had to sit there, alone, for what felt like hours until they let Bodhi in. He came in and lit up like a sun when he saw that she was awake and sitting up. Bodhi wore all of his emotions on his face so when Jyn asked about the plans and his face fell she knew that the news wasn't going to be good. He explained that they got the plans transmitted and someone got them but the ship was intercepted by Darth Vader. No one knew where the plans were at the moment but the rebellion was hopeful.

A decent portion of the Rogue One crew made it back. There were some severe injuries including some that were going to be life-changing but more of them came back than any of them had expected. Jyn couldn't hide how happy that made her and Bodhi didn't seem to know what to do when she burst into tears upon hearing that news. She was glad so many came back alive but she was heartbroken that the plans were lost Bodhi also explained all of their injuries and said that while her shoulder was going to be sore for quite some time she would make a full recovery.

When she asked about Cassian's injuries he looked a little less sure of himself. Cassian apparently stopped breathing on the way to Yavin and Melshi nearly passed out doing rescue breathing to keep him alive. Bodhi explained that Cassian had broken half the bones in his leg and severely damaged his spine. He also had extreme internal injuries that required not one but two full submerges in the bacta tank. The medics seemed positive that he would make a partial recovery and hoped with a lot of work that he would make a full one. The only thing was that he hadn't woken up since they got back to Yavin.

Bodhi stayed with her for a decent portion of the day but eventually had to leave. He told her that he was helping prep the ships in case the Death Star came and they needed to defend the base. Jyn watched the people in medical work and several of them came over to check on her. She tried to assure them that she was fine, she'd be okay, and they should focus on people who were more hurt than her. Jyn watched Cassian breathe and wished that he would wake up.  
Jyn closed her eyes and let the white noise of medical wash over her. 

She slept, on and off, and a few people came to visit her. Chirrut and Baze came by and they still looked like they knew something about what had happened over the last hundred days or so which set Jyn's teeth on edge. She didn't know how to ask about it without sounding like a crazy person. She woke up to Mon Mothma standing over her with a small and tight smile. She thanked Jyn for her sacrifice and for having the courage to fight. It made her uneasy but Jyn nodded and mumbled thanks. She woke up from another nap and watched as Draven walked out of the room without looking at her. She wondered if he was checking on Cassian and if he cared.

She knew now was not the time but she wanted to punch Draven. She was almost sure he was the one who gave Cassian the order to shoot her father and he must have known she wouldn't take that well. Did he assume that Jyn wouldn't retaliate? She thought about their fight after Eadu and it felt like it happened a lifetime ago. Jyn was fairly sure she had apologized for that but the days were blurring together so she was probably going to do it again.

A full day passed before Jyn heard Cassian groan and she looked over to watch him open his eyes. She had no idea whether or not it was okay for him to sit up and she didn't want to risk him hurting himself even more. So Jyn tried not to be embarrassed about how she scrambled over to his bed so she was next to him and met his eyes.

"Jyn, you're okay," he whispered like he wasn't the one who stopped breathing on the way to Yavin.

"Yeah, I'm fine, you're a bit of a mess though," she said and it took so much self-control not to cry as she thought about how broken he was.

"I'm here and we're alive," he replied like that was all that mattered. Jyn choked out a laugh and nodded. She would tell him about the plans later because he was alive, they were alive, and they were going to be okay. Jyn took Cassian's hand into hers and entwined their fingers. She felt something shift, something settles into place, and Jyn knew that she wasn't going to go back to Scarif again. She won.

+++

Cassian started to improve after he woke up and before long he was sitting up even if he looked like he was in a fair amount of pain when he did. Jyn and the rest of Rogue One were there to help him through it all but Jyn decided she should be the one to tell him that the plans were missing. He got that blank spy expression on his face, the same one he used when he didn't believe that she was repeating the days, and didn't speak or move for a decent part of the day. Jyn didn't blame him and she left him to deal with the way he needed to. The next day they heard about Alderaan and Jyn quietly sobbed for several hours as Cassian raged. No one tried to stop them.

Jyn was released from medical but she didn't want to leave Cassian's side. She thought she could bribe medical to let her keep the bed until they needed it but they wouldn't let her keep it. It was getting late and Jyn was very uncomfortable in her chair when Cassian rolled his eyes.

"You're going to make me say it, aren't you," he said and Jyn had no idea what he was talking about. Cassian sighed and despite the wince of pain, he moved over so there was room on his bed. Jyn blinked once because she didn't want to presume but Cassian shook his head. "Come on, you can stay here, I know you want to."

"I'm not admitting anything," Jyn said as she settled onto the bed. She tried not to touch any of Cassian's many wounds but he managed to wrap an arm around her and pull her close.

"Of course you aren't," he whispered. Jyn could hear his heartbeat and it lured her to sleep.  
She woke up to Cassian saying her name and she wanted to tell him to fuck off, she was tired, let her sleep more, but then she listened to what he was saying.

"What did you say?" Jyn asked.

"I said the base is waking up and if you don't want people seeing you here you need to move," Cassian said. Jyn sat up and stared at him for what felt like a long time. Jyn knew that Cassian has a reputation around the base of being as cold and calculating as the droid that always followed him around. Even here in medical she heard whispers of what those Fulcrum agents did and the blood on their hands. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a bunch of recruits walking by and they were sneaking glances into the room. Jyn smirked at them, turned to Cassian, and kissed him in front of everyone. Cassian made a surprised noise and then kissed her back. Jyn broke the kiss but remained close. "They're going to tell everyone. Gossip spreads like wildfire here."

"Let them. I don't care," Jyn replied and kissed him again. She only pulled away when Bodhi loudly declared that it was "about time" when Rogue One came to visit. Jyn didn't think she would ever see Cassian Andor blush but the tips of his ears were red. When she poked them he muttered something about medication lowering his inhibitions that sounded like an excuse.

That day Cassian stood on his own for the first time and that day a ship carrying a princess, a smuggler, a farm boy, a Wookie, and two droids landed on Yavin and declared that they had the plans but the Empire was on the way. Jyn tried to talk Cassian out of going to the main control room, he could barely walk let alone stand, but Baze picked up a chair and the five of them helped Cassian walk into the main control room. A young woman wearing a white dress raised her eyebrows at them but didn't say anything about it.

"We've escaped this thing two times," Jyn said as they watched the assault on the various monitors. Cassian was sitting in the chair that Baze stole and looked like he wanted to be on his feet more than anything.

"We'll take the next chance," Chirrut said with a nod. "The Force is with us. I can feel it in a way I haven't felt in a long, long time." Jyn wanted to ask him what he was talking about but then they lost more ships and the Death Star crept even closer. Cassian reached up and took her hand as Yavin moved into range of the weapon that her father built. Jyn stood tall, with the people she saved, and if this was how she was going to die then so be it.

Then the farm boy made an impossible shot and saved them all. Jyn released a breath she didn't know she was holding and looked down at Cassian. He was smiling at her but there was something about it that troubled her. She looked across the room and General Draven was watching them carefully. It set her nerves on edge.

+++

Jyn knew she was right to be on edge and less than a day after Luke Skywalker blew up her father's weapon she got a call to the command center. Only she wasn't the only one who got called to a meeting. Cassian was walking on his own but he was limping and he wouldn't look at her. Baze, Chirrut, and Bodhi were also in the room. Mon Mothma was there along with General Draven and the woman in white that Jyn now knew was Princess Leia Organa. Leia looked like she was about to punch someone and Jyn that this conversation was not going to be a pleasant one. 

"Captain Andor, please step forward," Mon Mothma said and Cassian did as he was told. "You and your crew did something incredibly brave. You went and got us the Death Star plans that ultimately saved the lives of everyone on this and so many other planet's lives. Your actions and the actions of your crew are things to be commended. I and the Alliance won't ever be able to repay you for these actions and your sacrifices." Mothma paused and Jyn knew that something terrible was coming. She could feel it in her bones.

"That being said," Mothma said. "Your actions were also against direct orders from the council. When you went against these orders, while your actions did ultimately save lives, you did force the hand of the Alliance and we had to send in reinforcements. With those reinforcements came the loss of life, personnel, and resources that the Alliance did not have to spare. Your actions were right but we cannot allow dissent to form in our ranks with the Alliance so fragile. Because of this, you are officially being court-martialed from the Alliance. You have been stripped of your rank as Captain and dishonorably discharged from your post." 

"You can't do this," Jyn snapped as she took a step further. Baze put a hand on her arm to try and stop but Jyn wasn't going to hear this. "Cassian didn't lead this mission, I did, I'm the one who should be punished for it." 

"You're not a member of the Alliance, Erso," Draven said. "We can't punish an independent agent but Andor's rank made him in charge. He's the one who gathered the other troops to bring on your mission." 

"And I am responsible for their lives being lost," Cassian said. "I understand your decision."

"Oh bullshit," Leia spat out. "This is bullshit and you all know it. Cassian doesn't deserve this. We should be pinning a medal onto all of them the same as Luke and Han and everyone in this room knows it." Cassian looked at Leia and for a moment Jyn thought he was going to break and show some sort of emotion in this but Cassian pulled himself together at the last moment. 

"I humbly request that the other men that followed me be pardoned for their actions. They were following a superior officer," Cassian said. Jyn was about to open her mouth again but Baze shook his head. Draven was right; none of them were members of the Alliance, not officially, and Jyn had to sit back and watch this happen. 

"That's what the records will say," Mothma said softly. Cassian looked at the rank patch on his jacket and ripped it off. His hands were surprisingly steady as he handed it to Mothma. 

"You were one of my best, Andor," Draven said. 

"I'm sorry I let you down, sir," Cassian said and for the first time, he sounded sorry. He sounded like he had regrets. 

"I'd like to make you and your crew an offer," Draven said as he glanced at Leia and Mothma. "I can't have you as official members of the Alliance but I would like to still work with you. Off of the books, behind the scenes, and high-risk jobs. I believe if there was a crew that could pull off jobs like that it would be you five." 

"What he means," Leia said. "is that he wants to give you missions but he can't help with funds and he's unable to send help if you get caught. You'd be completely on your own and if you were caught me and the rest of the council would have to stand here and deny that you were working for us." Leia scoffed as she glared at Mothma and Draven. "They saved us and they deserve better than that." 

"But it's all we can offer," Mothma said. "We cannot risk more people going rogue even if was for the right reason. The Alliance will fall into chaos and we will lose." 

"I can't make that kind of decision without consulting my team first," Cassian said and he turned around to look at all of them. "You're under no obligation to--"

"Shut up Cassian," Jyn said. "I'm in." 

"Me too," Bodhi replied. "I had family on Jedha and the Empire needs to pay for that." 

"The Force guided us to you, Jyn Erso, and to you, Captain Andor," Chirrut said. "And the Force tells us to continue following you." 

"We're with you, Captain," Baze said. Cassian blinked once, he looked like he couldn't believe that they were saying "yes" and Jyn swore that she was going to beat some self-worth into him if she had, then he turned to Draven, Mothma, and Leia. 

"We accept," he said. 

+++

Jyn stood in the back of the room, kept to the shadows, as she watched Luke, Han, and Chewie walk toward Leia. The Alliance was watching, this was a big deal, and it was going to provide them with the hope and heroes that they needed. A smuggler who came from nothing but did the right thing in the end and a farm boy from the back end of nowhere who might just have Force abilities like a Jedi. They were clean, white, pure, something that the Alliance could hold up and be proud of even Han. 

Her hands weren't clean, neither were Cassian's, none of them were the bright and shining heroes that a rebellion needed to fall behind if they were going to win. And because of that, they were being shunted off to the darkest corner of this rebellion where no one would find them. Where they could get their hands dirty and no one would notice because the Alliance needed to be pure if they were going to win. 

Jyn felt someone move up behind her but she didn't flinch. She recognized the slight limp and Cassian was standing next to her. He looked a little odd without his captain's badge on his jacket and Jyn didn't know what to say to him. She didn't save his life only to have it ruined again. 

"Cassian, I'm--"

"Don't apologize," Cassian said. "I knew there was a chance they would retaliate if we survived. I didn't think we would be coming back at all to tell you the truth and then it wouldn't matter." Jyn wanted to tell him that they didn't come back, so many times, but she held her tongue. It wouldn't help anyone here. "The ship’s ready. We need to go." The two of them began to walk through the empty halls to the hanger. Cassian had packed up his meager belongings including that bottle of terrible liquor that Jyn knew all too well.

"So what did Leia manage to get us?" Jyn asked. 

"A decent ship and any pay I've been owed since I signed up for Alliance," Cassian said. "It's enough to keep us going for a little while but we'll need to find work eventually." Draven was waiting by their ship and Jyn wondered if she was ever going to have another chance to punch him.

"General Draven," Jyn said as she walked right up to him. "I know you were the one who gave Cassian the order to shoot my father. It's only because of my enormous capacity for forgiveness that I'm not breaking your nose right now." From inside the ship, Jyn heard Bodhi made a noise that sounded like a laugh and a choke. 

"I appreciate your forgiveness, Eros," Draven replied as he turned to Cassian. They shook hands and Draven handed him a communicator. "I'm the only person who can access this. This is how I'll give you the missions I can send your way."

"Thank you, sir," Cassian said and he nodded to Jyn. The two of them began to walk up the ramp into their ship. Bodhi, Chirrut, and Baze were already waiting. 

"Rogue One," Draven called out and they all turned to look at him. "May the Force be with you." Bodhi started up the engines as Cassian took the co-pilot's seat. No one tried to stop them as they flew out of the Yavin base and into the stars above. 

"We need to look for a base we can raid," Jyn said and everyone turned to look at her. "What? We need to get a new KX series droid so we can reboot Kay." Cassian grinned as Chirrut and Baze took their seats further into the ship. 

"You heard her, Bodhi," Cassian said. "Got any ideas?" 

"You know, I think I do," Bodhi said with a smirk. He typed in some calculations into the navigation computer. "Captain, would you like to do the honors?" Cassian smiled as he pulled back on the hyperdrive lever and the stars blurred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like some people are going to be mad I had Cassian essentially kicked out of the Alliance. There is some tonal dissonance between the Alliance of Rogue One and the Alliance of the original Star Wars movies. So I decided to address that by saying that the Rogue One crew were not the kind of heroes they could rally behind but Luke, Han, Leia, and Chewie were. Even for all of Han's flaws he still brought Leia home and he still helped out in the eleventh hour. 
> 
> Also, this is how I can handwave the Rogue One crew not being around in the original trilogy while not disrupting canon too much. I'm not really wanting to re-write the entire new trilogy based on this new canon where Rogue One survives. So they were out there, helping in their own way, and maybe I'll figure out a time when it would be right for them to jump back into canon. Not sure when but I'll figure out my next story when I get there. Again, thank you all for reading and for your feedback. This was fun and I'm glad I finally got to write this fic.


End file.
